Priorities

I did not yet write about it, but the discernment I received from God regarding the Haiti trip was, "Not this time."  For the first time in a long while I will be putting my family first.  There is a spiritual I have heard, "Get your house in order..."  This is what I need to do.  To learn how to put my husband first, and then our daughter. So I am working on that now, with God's help.
  In other news, I started taking a very small dose of a different happy pill.  I know that God is faithful, and if He really wanted to enable me to come off of the pills He would. However as of last week I felt a dark cloud descending, and my stomach was frequently churning concerned about me potentially scarring Margaret (through my lack of patience).  This was not a great time for extra stress for my husband either, and I asked myself, "Why AM I doing this?"  It would be one thing if it were just me trying to see if it was the time, but I do not live in an isolated universe.
   Crazily enough, the one positive constant about me going off of the happy pills was that it drew me much closer to God.  I was soooo aware of my need for grace and for constant provision of patience from Him. I knew I did not have the patience on my own because it had become evident. Beforehand for quite a while I would come to the confession time at church and have nothing I could think of to confess!  That was much more a measure of my (lack of) awareness of my sin rather than my actual sinning on a daily basis.
   So, I get what the book of James talks about regarding,
"Consider it pure joy my brothers, whenever you have trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

I don't know that I will ever be joyful for tribulation, but I welcome a chance to draw close to God.  And, although this trial is mostly over for the time being, never fear, a new trial will appear!

Honesty

I started this blog because I wanted to be open and honest about what God has been doing in my life.  In the process I was very honest about some of my own challenges.  I had no privacy settings.  Then because of one person I added the privacy settings and basically stopped writing.
   I have come to the conclusion that that was pretty sad.  I will keep writing honestly about what God is doing in my life regardless of what potential or current readers may think of me.  Yes it is a challenging season of life, but I do believe God can use it to His glory. And if I need to go back on happy pills I will do it, whether it is for the sake of my mental health or that of my husband or daughter's.
  God has been teaching me a lot lately.  He has helped me to see that I have been neglecting my husband for the last six years. I could not see this - I am so grateful I am seeing this now, while I have a chance to live differently.  I had been putting what I wanted first for so long that I did not see that there could be another way. The universe does not orbit around me!!   
Crazily enough, before I realized what I had been doing, I had the nerve to point my finger at my mother-in-law (who I love dearly) because she had on occasion made strong suggestions as to things that my husband wanted. After my heart was in the pit of my stomach for a day (after writing her), I decided to check my ever so pertinent devotional for the day (I had skipped looking at it the day that I was determined that I was 'right'). Guess what the scripture verse was?
"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?" Matthew 7:3-4
Yup, it was ever so true, and the problem is you can't argue with God. I mean, you can, He can take it and wants us to honest with him even when we are angry. But, I knew He was right. I still drug my feet on admitting that the log was in my own eye, but eventually I did.
   God IS pretty awesome.  I don't know how He does all that He does, but somehow He does it. I am happy to say that I am making changes now, to cherish my husband AND my daughter better.  I think the biggest change is my attitude.  In the past, if I was having a hard day, that was all I could think/talk/ruminate about.  Now I can see that even when I have had a hard day, my husband can easily have had one just as hard, or worse.  It is hard to get outside of myself to try to learn what I can do for him (on a hard day for me), but with God's help He makes it possible, and then a really awesome side effect is that I am not so concerned/caught up with ME anymore. This is what my husband has been doing for almost 10 years now.  Lord willing, I will learn it and practice it now.
I once heard my pastor in Durham (Allan Poole) quote someone regarding the way Christians thought of themselves. He said something to the effect of, "It is not that they think less of themselves, but that they think of themselves less ."  I really like that idea, and I hope God will enable me to carry it out.

   

Listening to God

For once in my life I feel like I am really listening to God.  Better, anyways.  Trust me, I still have plenty of selfish days.  But at the end of those days I feel like, "Uggh", and usually realize that I just did whatever I felt like that day. I have listened to myself and the whims of my flesh for a long time.  I have still been blessed and grown somewhat as a person, but really struggled. The ironic thing is that if you had asked me all along, I would have said I was trying to listen to God.  I think I did not know how, except in small instances.  The concept of seeking discernment, wise council, and waiting for discernment I did not really get. The "Be still, and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10, first part) I very rarely got.  The 'Be still' part continues to be a great challenge for me.
 
   Today a man I had never met before let me take his daughter with my own to the play area in the mall. His name was Mohammad.  We had talked a bit beforehand as his daughter was showing my daughter how to ride the imitation 'Rhody's ($20 in kiosk at Carolina Place mall). After talking with my husband we decided she did not need one of these "Hopper's" as she already has a bouncy horse to ride on at home.  And, she does not need to get EVERYTHING that she wants.  In fact, we both believe it is good for her NOT to get everything she wants. I conveyed this to the man selling them.  We said goodbye and that we were headed off to the play area.  The little girl said she wanted to go and I said she would need to ask her Daddy.  He said okay so we went. In hindsight, I should have gotten his telephone number at least.  it worked out okay. but afterwards, I felt very honored that this stranger, basically, would trust me with his kid.
   then, as we were leaving the mall I noticed a woman standing in the parking lot looking confused or like she was waiting for something.  We said hello and I asked her if she was okay.  She said she was, but that she had parked right near some bees without realizing it and she was allergic to bees.  And, she could only enter her car through the driver's side (she had parked in a handicapped spot and the driver's side was right up against a little concrete island with lots of pine needles and wasps flying around). She had had her phone out, I am guessing trying to figure out who she should call.  Margaret was in a stroller, so I locked the wheels. I told the woman if she trusted me and would stay there with my daughter, then I would be willing to get in her car and drive it over for her.  It was maybe 5 parking spaces away - I could see Margaret and she the whole time.  She said she trusted me and handed me her car key. So, I did as I had said.  As I handed her keys back to her I told her Jesus had nudged me.  We chuckled and she was off.  It is SO good to be used by God.  I am sorry I waited so long trying to be used in a profession. For some people they might be.  I don't think it is to be so for me, and I can live with that.  I just want to be used by God.