You are mine

Usually during my daughter Margaret's quiet time I spend time with God in some way or another. Sometimes I take a nap. Yesterday during Margaret's quiet time I thought about the verse, "Be very careful, then, how you live - not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefor do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is." Ephesians 5:15 - 17. I had desired to get organized in the morning but instead had the chance to meet up with friends, which was very refreshing. But I was thinking God would appreciate me being able to prioritize and stop running around from task to task like a chicken with my head cut off. So, I began to work on an approach that works for my counselor and that I thought had a good chance of working for me. I had a bunch of notecards and put categories for different things needing to be done on each one. Then I started listing the things underneath each one. I had each heading a different color, and it felt freeing to be finally writing down these things that I have been letting slip off my plate and/or fearing I would completely forget about. and then I wrote back to someone on e-mail about something related to God and looked at the clock and realized 45 minutes of the hour were already gone. And I had spent no time with God. Sitting on the daybed I flopped over with my head in my lap and said to myself, "I am a mess!" I heard (not outloud but in my head), "You are my mess/mine, and I don't see you like that." I then proceeded to list all the reasons I was a failure, "Even though I can never seem to get it together; even though I am on 3 mental health medications and a 4th to help me sleep? Even though I have only held a 40 hour a week job for a total of 15 months?"

I was crying at this point. I kept throwing at God the reasons why I was a mess and He was not buying it. I tried to see myself as He sees me but I couldn't quite. But somehow all of the stuff (including things I did not mention) did not change how He felt about me. I felt nudged to read Psalm 139, which I have read many many times before. I stopped every two lines and tried to let it soak in, to really believe it, to take it as if it was written to God about me personally. I started over many times. "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. This is the first part of verse 14, and I underlined the same part underlined here, in my Bible.

After this time the hour was over, and I had told Margaret she could come out at 3:47. I really wanted to order my colored pens in rainbow order but I thought, "No, I told Margaret 3:47 and I want to honor what I said. I don't want to take advantage of the fact that she cannot tell time." but then I felt like I got permission (whether from the Holy Spirit or from me with new insight, I don't know) to go ahead. Like, "Elizabeth, you can take 5 or 10 minutes to order your pens in rainbow color - it will be okay. You are worth it." So I did. There was a freeing involved.

My heart will CHOOSE to say

"My heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be Your name"

When I do not feel like God is close by it is a very hard place to be. When everything turned dark and God in all His goodness was unimaginable, when even the beauty of his creation was completely lost on me because of the dark fog in my brain - well that for me was hell on earth.
    I have been told by multiple people I love and trust that there will come these dark hard times in which you choose faith. Faith is not based on feelings.
    I think I have been a 'fair weather' Christian.  Meaning, as long as I knew things would get better I was fine.  As long as we could pay the bills, as long as _________, (whatever it might be) my faith remained intact. Very humbling thought.
    I have very rarely fully leaned on God. Taken Him at his Word. I have lived in fear rather than trusting God.  
    And I began to doubt my own salvation. . . doubting God . .  . I was not kidding when I said it was very dark. This world without Jesus is very dark.
     Even in my doubt and fear and darkness God showed up.
     Then the darkness swelled again.
      I am getting glimpses of God.  I am a sinner who falls far short of the glory of God.  Yet I choose to believe that it is this season of darkness in my own brain that makes it seem as if God is far from me.  I have recognized my own disobedience to God. I told a friend that I felt like there was something in between God and I.  She said it could be disobedience.  Well I have since realized two different things in which I had felt the Spirit moving me and I did not move. One such nudge was more than 2 years old.  Yep. And we are trying to teach my daughter about obedience because God calls her to that, and calls us to be obedient to Him.  and we have had trouble. Hmmmmm....
   I know part of the problem is in my own brain, yet I do know that things CAN come in between us and God.  Alright, this is all I can say for now.

Q. 1. "What is the chief end of man?"

A. "Man's chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy him forever".  Westminster Shorter Catechism

Well, not exactly sure where the last 6 weeks went.  I had been reveling in my newly found freedom from all of the restrictions and compulsions imposed upon myself, but somewhere along the way after that I got mired down again. 
  Jesus came so that we can have life, and have it to the full.  This is not just about what happens after my heart stops beating. It is about what goes on during and between every heartbeat. I used to begin the day, most every day, by berating myself for what I had not done and weighing myself down with all that needed to be done in that day. It started by beating myself up over the fact that I had indeed slept in again and would thus be starting the day behind, unorganized, with no quiet buffer zone in which to seek God and to attempt to get organized for the day. I have been constantly concerned with what I have let slip off my plate, with the fear of what will happen when the repercussions catch up with me.  Looking back on it (and because I still fall into it), I can see that I appear to be looking for ways to criticize myself. Okay, so I am doing decently in this one area, I am surely not "measuring up" in these others.  I have been constantly policing myself and basically trying to beat myself into "shape" anytime where I found that I did not measure up to my concept of what or how I "should" be doing.
   For so long I have not been aware of all of this negativity and criticism I have imposed on myself. I have had periods of awareness.
  No wonder I have had trouble making progress. How can you move forward when inside your very own brain you are telling yourself, "What's the use? I am never going to catch up on so-andso....OR We haven't done any of these house renovations yet so how can we even hope to begin now? OR Why do I even try to fool myself that I know these people better when they are never going to invite myself and my family into something with them outside of church-related functions?? "
   What is missing from these words within my head? Hope. Peace. Full life in the present. Now, it will do me no good to next beat myself up over this reality. Though, I have done this in the past and been stuck in a vicious negative cycle.
 
    I go to see a counselor once a week, a psychologist who happens to be a Christian as well. She does not advertise the second half because she wants to see anyone who needs help, and does not want to scare off those who are not professing Christians. She helps me to see truth. She is the one who let me know that God wants us to have fun and enjoy life (she reminded me of the Westminster Catechism). Sometimes my jaw drops and my eyes widen at the life-giving truths she has to offer me, in which I have not been living. 
  I feel like chains fall off in there, and I go a few days feeling pretty light.  And then somehow the chains are back on, or have reorganized themselves such that I am feeling weighed down again by the next week when I return. I frequently find life to be overwhelming.
  
   I am blessed to get to help lead the singing part of worship sometimes at my church. It is one of the few places in my life (besides trying to love my husband and my daughter well) where I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Today we sang, "Blessed Be Your Name" and "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)". Two parts in "Blessed Be Your Name" convicted me today. I am learning to be more of an honest person.  For much of my life there has been a disconnect between what was going on inside me and what I presented to the rest of the world. I also very very rarely ever told anyone my real opinions or feelings on things out of fear. This is beginning to change. Just know I have the desire to be a much more authentic person than I ever used to be. I intend to sing what I mean, and mean what I sing. Well, during our practice time I sang, "Every blessing you pour out I'll turn back to praise...". Yet it struck me that it was not true for me. I did not allow myself to start to berate myself, but I noticed it for sure - almost as if somehow that line in the song was in a different key than the rest of the song. The other part that struck me was, "You give and take away, you give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be your name." (my emphasis added)
    During our worship time in the actual church service, I sang it as an intention, "Every blessing you pour out I'll turn back to praise. . . " I cannot promise Lord, but that is how I want to live. Lord how I want to live that way.

"'Good girl' going...going"

This is the chorus of a song I have been working on. I will write more about it later.

Surprised by Mercy

Apparently I have been being very hard on myself. My counselor pointed out that my choice of words - "lies" etc. - are very intense and may not be the most appropriate words to describe things.  She said that really I have had trouble speaking up for my needs, and that now I am learning how to be aware of my needs and be assertive in asking for the things that I need.
   I also thought, mistakenly, that I could go from being not honest all of the time to being completely honest all of the time.  Black and white thinking there. And, not humanly possible, nor healthy or helpful for those at whom my 'honesty' would be directed.
  I think honestly in love may be what I want to strive for. We ALL need to give ourselves mercy first, and then we can give it to each other. However I am wondering if the only way to be able to give ourselves mercy is when we accept the mercy of Jesus Christ.  I think we have to accept the mercy he freely gave and gives us in His death on the cross for us, in order for us to STOP PUTTING OURSELVES UP ON THAT CROSS. Jesus already did that, and He is NO LONGER hanging up on that cross.  Stop putting yourself up there!!! (I am saying this to me and you)

  "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith who, for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God". Hebrews 12:2

Sometimes the only way out is through the flames

I learned this through a children's movie that I watched with my daughter for the first time today. It is called, "The Fox and the Hound". There is a part where two foxes are trapped in a hollow log. The hunter has set fire to one end of it and is waiting with his hound on the other end with a gun pointed at the hole. It seems all is lost . . . but then the two foxes race out of the end that is on fire.  Sometimes the only way out is through the flames.  You wish there were an easier way. But there isn't. For me I am allowing myself to have emotions/will/desires for the first time in about 3 decades. This all started on May 20th, per my counselor's suggestion that I take notice of my feelings without judging them. 
  It has been very challenging, with today being probably my most challenging day thus far. There is no day that I have had without emotions since May 20th. They (the emotions) are exhilarating, painful, freeing, tormenting.....real.  I would like to take a break from them.  However I will not go back to stuffing them down.  That promoted all sorts of yuck within me and around me.
  Who knew there were so many deep emotional and moral lessons in children's movies? 
My daughter and I watched Cinderella this morning.  That was really difficult.  The stepmother is abusive and treats Cinderella as if she was subhuman. Even the cat is determined to keep Cinderella locked away from her potential dream come true. I was about ready to throw my shoe at the tv. I thought I would be giving myself and my daughter a break by us watching movies. Not so.
  However afterwards God reminded me of a truth that I had heard before.  He (God) wants to give us a banquet when we are all too content to sneak trash out of the dumpster.  I don't remember where I heard this originally.  It is soooo true.
   He so desires to give us abundant life now. So don't wait for heaven.  His kingdom is coming upon this earth now as I write.  Step up to the banquet.

My Mother always took the chipped plate

My Mother always took the chipped plate.  She bought us brand new brand name clothes, while hers were old and drab. Her housecoat was coming apart, her nightgown had holes all through it.  her houseshoes were coming apart.  I could not see the condition of her heart, but I could see her clothes.
   She endured a lifetime of emotional abuse from her Mother, Mattie Varena McGalliard Hood.  I have NO idea of what my maternal grandmother (who I called Grandma Hood) endured.  My Mom's Dad died before I was born.
   My Mom did not know her precious worth.  She never told me that.  She lived it.  And by the way she lived, and what she put up with from my Dad, her MOther, other people, and sadly enough, me, I did not know my precious worth.
   My Dad ruled our household with an iron will.  He was what is now called "authoritarian".  He did what he knew, because that was how his Mom ruled their household of 5 children with his Dad out on the riverboat as a captain for up to 6 months at a time.  In 2004 (my Mom died in 2003, 6 weeks after John and I got married) I started writing a book to promote my own healing.   I wrote 21 pages (no ending) and thought I was done - I had gotten it out.  I have since learned there is a reason insurance will not reimburse you for being YOUR OWN psychotherapist.  It doesn't work.  Go figure. Anyway, I am including in here an excerpt from a conversation I had with my Dad because it is very revealing (so, 2004, married, no kids).

Late one recent Saturday night I had a conversation with my Dad about this book on which I was working. I had not intended on having this specific conversation, nor could I have ever guessed that I would have it with my Dad. I told Dad I was wanting to write a book about what God had been revealing to me. I said, "It's hard because….". I paused and tried one or two more times. I said, "It is hard because in order for people to understand how God has freed me from myself I have to start at the beginning. I must tell from where I have come, and why I needed freeing. I do not want to hurt anyone along the way. But, in order to speak the truth I must tell the good and the bad."

I then spoke of the good things in our family - how I always felt loved. I believe love is one of the most precious gifts you can give a child. I knew that they had planned for me and wanted me. They did not ground me if I got certain grades on my report card. If I had tried my best that was all that mattered.

As with every family, our family had its problems too. There were some things that I learned that were not so good for me. At this point my Dad said he knew what I was talking about. I was somewhat taken aback and not sure of what to say. I was of course curious if he really did know to what I was referring. And, if he did, I wondered how. However, I also wanted to tell my piece - not to be denied of expressing my hurt to the one who had hurt me.

      So, out of curiousity, I asked how he thought he knew about what I was talking. He said, "Well, it comes from living with a dominant female figure - what you call a matriarch." His Dad was rarely there as he was a riverboat captain. I asked, "Was it her way or the highway?" He said, "Her way was the only way." He said he didn't get over it until he was about in his mid-30's.

I said, "Well, I guess you do have an idea of what I was talking about. But, in this family that person was you." I went on to explain what I had learned that was not helpful. 

     I learned primarily from my Dad (but occasionally from my Mom) that my will and desires were not worth paying attention to.  It was worse then them not caring, it was as if my desires and will did not exist at all.  I think I used to have very strong emotions and feelings. It is fuzzy now, but I can remember bits.  I remember experiencing another instance of complete and utter powerlessness as a kid and crying because I was so mad (I was probably 7 or 8 at the time).  I was so mad and sobbing so heavily that I was having trouble breathing. I was hyperventilating from anger and frustration.  I remember my sister trying to comfort me somehow while my Dad continued to sit in his armchair in another room watching tv or something. My Mom was somewhere in the house.  I think soon after that was when I decided that I would take control. It hurt too much to have a strong will and emotions and have them denied their existence.  So I squashed them myself.

Living a lie

I have been living a lie.  I squashed my heart/self into a tiny little prison with little room for air. And I. will. not. do. it. anymore. I have been working on a song that expresses things. I will put the lyrics thus far below.  I am clear on the chords for the chorus and one verse, but that is it*. However, I feel the need to put it "out there" to share now.
   If you have negative feedback for me or your own advice, please express it/deal with it elsewhere.  God is working on me, and I am in counseling that is more than worth the physical cost. I need to get things out. I am trying to be honest with myself, God, my family, and friends for the first time in my life. 
  I have heard people in recovery talk of their new birthday as when things changed and they were able to leave behind junk of the past. For me I consider that new birthday to be May 20, 2014. You won't find it on any certificate or any record books anywhere, but it is the day I started to allow myself to have feelings again.

No More

No more hiding, no more fears

No more swallowing down my tears

No more prison bars for me to lock myself inside. 

You never wanted that for me. I will no longer hide.

I will find out who I am and 

Who I am is good.

I will no longer be the one 

imprisoned by the 'should'.

I don't know how I got there - 

Okay that is a lie.

I couldn't see for far too long - 

that log stuck in my eye. 

Oh, I've been quick to judge I'll say

and quick to point my finger

To think I knew what's wrong with you,

and on that I would linger.

Oh I tried to save the world I did,

One person at a time.

Turns out the life that needed saving actually was mine.

Oh I tried to save the world I did,

One person at a time.

Turns out the life that needed saving actually was mine.

 I will find out who I am and

Who I am is good. 

I will no longer be the one 

imprisoned by the 'should'.

And I have played the doormat most willingly for all. 

When you've squashed your true desires and hopes your needs are very small

I don't mind if you step on me - am I not here for that?

Couldn't tell you if it hurt me though, no feelings in a mat.

Oh I tried to save the world I did,

One person at a time.

Turns out the life that needed saving actually was mine.

Oh I tried to save the world I did,

One person at a time.

Turns out the life that needed saving actually was mine.

 I will find out who I am and

Who I am is good. 

I will no longer be the one 

imprisoned by the 'should'. 

Oh, yes I was squashed down inside,

imprisoned by myself.

Didn't know I needed helping - 

Never would have asked for help.

(Part of final verse)

No apology for being me

God made me wondrously

No guilt to beat me on the head 

and pin my heart inside.

Oh yes God made me fearfully 

I will.no.longer.hide.

*Okay, I did a garage band recording during my daughter's 'quiet time' but now I can't figure out how to insert it. I may have to record a video. I was trying to avoid doing that.  I will try for tonight.

Eternal Mindset Part II - "Blinders"

I recently found myself praying to God for blinders to block out the distractions that send me on a careening path away from Him.  I am thinking of those things they used to put on the sides of horses eyes to keep them from getting distracted/spooked (this is my understanding, anyways). Already God has given me some tools to put the blinders on, once I have realized I am really at a moment of needing them.  A frequent place of weakness which I cannot completely avoid is the store. Usually it is just the grocery store, however occasionally I find myself in, let's say, "World Market", and suddenly my senses are on fire - there are these bright colors and great smells and SURELY I need a patterned cushion for chairs I do not yet have, and that MUST be a good deal, because I can't find THOSE anywhere else and.... you get the idea.  Earlier this week, in such a situation, in my mind I found myself saying, "Stuff, stuff, stuff.."(this in turn made me think of the veggietales song called "*Stuffmart") It really toned down the intensity of the temptation, and I could see the things for what they are - stuff.  Please don't get me wrong. I am not saying stuff in general is bad.  But, it is the love of stuff, it is the idolatry of stuff - when I become intoxicated by purchasing such that I will turn to doing that rather than seeking God when I am hurting/tired/sad/mad/ or whatever negative emotion I am feeling - that is where the problem comes in. Our God is a jealous God. "You shall have no other gods before me." (Exodus 20:3) He wants us to come to Him FIRST.
  And this stuff, it can make us feel better temporarily.  Is getting an amazing bargain a bad thing?  I don't know that it is.  Sometimes it is a huge way God blesses us and provides for us.  But, I do know that when I have sought to 'heal' myself by purchasing (or eating, or whatever one might use) I get an immediate high, but then afterwards, I don't feel so great. The tricky part is I often don't realize I am doing this when I am in the middle of it.  But I am learning. God is teaching me when I keep coming back to Him.

Some great Christian author (might have been C.S. Lewis - I will have to check) said that Satan doesn't have to do anything fancy or well thought out to impede the kingdom of God coming upon the earth.  All he has to do is simply distract us.


 *The point of the song is that Madame Blueberry (insert name here), really, you just need MORE STUFF. Then, you will feel better. See link below for video clip.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pvtEDPklx4U

**I have just realized my relatively newest weakness - internet shopping! Especially late at night if I can't sleep.  THAT is dangerous. .  .

Eternal Mindset

     I want to live with an eternal mindset. I wrote my sister a text message last night after reflecting over my extended family member, Trish, who died at the young age of 37 about a month ago (I just found out yesterday). This was after hearing earlier in this year of two other women I did not know dying in their 30's and leaving young children. In 2012 I lost my only female best friend, Chris Simelane, who was in her 30's (she would prefer me to leave her age undefined, though I did finally find out for sure how old she was).
    Part of the message I sent my sister was this, "I won't have on my headstone, 'I wish I had checked off one more thing on my to-do list' or, 'I wish I had kept the house cleaner'". The major problem is that, sadly, often I am living my days as if these were the most important things in my life. And, I am often judging my success and basing my view of myself on how I am doing on those two things. Not cool!  Not cool at all. . .
   In my Young Women's Bible Study we recently read in Deuteronomy 6:5-8 (NIV),
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates."

 After studying the Deuteronomy passage then I studied the following New Testament passage,
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverence the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1-2

I want to  "fix my eyes on Jesus" always.  Left to my own devices I am selfish, impatient, irritable, moody, etc. . . I have the tools now to weave beads and am planning to teach myself in the near future. I thought, hey, maybe I could weave a bracelet with pertinent scripture woven into it to keep me focused on Jesus.  Then I just read in my study Bible's commentary that the part in Deuteronomy about tying the commands to your hands and wearing them on your forehead was more likely to have had a figurative meaning.
  Ah.
     The original version I read of the Deuteronomy passage said for verse 6, "And you must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to the commands I am giving you today."
      Check back to my second paragraph.  I just did, previewing what I had written, to notice that I had written, "I am living MY days. . . "

           Hmmm. . . it seems I need inscribed on my heart for whom I am living each day of this life.  "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body". 1Cor. 6:19-20

This morning when I was walking (after attempting some running) part of that verse came into my mind.  The part, "You are not your own; you were bought at a price".
   I am not done thinking on this yet. . . more later. . .

Here I am Lord

Do you know the song, "Here I am Lord. Is it I Lord? I have heard you calling in the night. I will go Lord, if you lead me. I will hold your people in my heart."
   I remember playing guitar and singing it on the teeny deck of my shared apartment when I was 22, finished with college and no job. If God wanted me to go to another country I was interested.  If He wanted me to help people who were disadvantaged I was game.  I was sincere and trusting.
    Well, I am now almost 36 (yikes - can it really have been that long??) and it occurred to me recently that that song is not just for the person called to be a missionary overseas, or to have a profession helping disadvantaged marginalized people. God can use us right now, right where we are.  This does not mean that God will NOT call us to physically go somewhere, or reach out to people in need - it just may not look the way we think it will. 
  God can use ME right now, right here. Personal example following. . .
It has been very challenging for my husband and I to get connected in this city.  It has brought me to the point of tears many times. I throw a pity party, and think of all the people who I know are swapping kids and having playdates and doing things together that are not planned on a church calendar.  Blah, blah, blah.  It is the whole "grass is greener on the other side" thing.  I see what I want to see.  I can choose to focus on the blessings God has given me and trust Him. AND, I can stop hoping hoping for deep friendships with people who simply do not have the time or energy.
    I CAN use my strong desire for deep fellowship to cause me to reach out to other folks who may feel as my husband and I have.  And there ARE people who have invited us over and i have not returned the invitation.  I have been so focused on the people I really really thought were supposed to become my good friends that I have missed out on opportunities for fellowship with folks who actually have the time and desire to cultivate it.
  I will NOT listen to lies of Satan.  Get behind me in the strong name of Jesus Christ!! The deceiver will do just that.  I know that God will use the pain of this world for good if we let Him.  I hope He will use me.