A Season of Searching. . .

 I wrote earlier posts about praying to God and then basically taking things back and worrying about them. Well, I realized it was happening again. I have been very honest lately with folks who have asked me how I was doing. I prefer to do this (when time allows) but I also can't spill my guts to everyone (nor do I need to).  I can tell people have been praying for me. Just yesterday I prayed for Margaret for all of the things that I have been worrying about for her without consciously realizing it. This really included her getting all that she needs - socially, spiritually, physically (diet, exercise), emotionally, and other things as well. I think the only one I really haven't worried about is her getting what she needs cognitively. But I had been worrying about all of her needs and were they being met and how do you know if you are having enough quality time with your kid?! And how do you know what is taking care of YOU and what is selfish? It is true that my mental health is better if I am taking better care of ME, but there will always be MORE that I could do for myself. So, where do you set the limit??
   I have a house sorely in need of fall cleaning, but when it comes to priorities I would rather have quality time with Margaret. Yet, I think she has allergies (as I do) and it would really benefit us both and John too if I could have some sort of regular approach to cleaning the house. But, it is easier for me to deal with a not so clean house then the guilt of feeling like I am not present for my daughter as I need to be. I think I am frequently motivated by trying to avoid feeling current guilt and possible future guilt. I know we need to change the air filter though, and I wake up with my nose stuffy so it will probably get to a point where I can't stand it and then I will clean.
  How do you know?
   Well, the good news is that I did pray for Margaret about all of the things over which I was worrying (that I was given eyes to see), and I did have some most blessed welcome peace. Oh Lord, that I could pray and trust You everyday. I did not realize how my constant worrying and second guessing was stealing my peace.

  Upon concluding my music therapy internship (unsuccessfully by the world's standards, but not necessarily by mine) the greatest theme that finally shook out was that I wanted to listen to God. I was done with doing things my own way, stubbornly pressing onward even when I was no longer sure I should continue in that direction.
  So much in this life I believe I have prayed over and then I feel tried to use my own human intellect for discernment. Don't get me wrong, I certainly believe God gave us brains to use them.
 But in "Experiencing God" the authors talk about seeking the relationship with God first before trying to run out and DO something as we Americans often think we HAVE to do. I have heard and said myself, "God can't steer a parked car." Now I realize I cannot know God enough to know exactly what He will or will not choose to do.  But, as these authors discuss (Blackaby, Blackaby, & King, 2007), we can look at examples of how God has operated in the past. Often people are given specific instructions (such as Noah to build the ark, and Moses to build the tabernacle). Although Abraham was not given specific instructions at the beginning of his journey, God did say, "Go to the land I will show you, "Gen. 12:1. Blackaby, Blackaby, and King also said, "God always gives you enough specific directions to do what He wants you to do now. When you need more directions, He gives you more in His timing," (pg. 93)

  Yikes. Not exactly the way I like to operate, that is, waiting on God. Well, waiting on ANYTHING. Patience is not a gift I have naturally (nor organization, Lord please help us organize our household). Yet often hastily made decisions cannot be taken back. Although thankfully our God is a God of second chances (think 'Jonah') in life there is not always a 'do-over' button.

Life to the Full

I have felt that my faith has been under attack lately. Our pastor said that that is when we tend to seek substitutes for God. I have definitely seen that within myself (distraction, food, sleep). I know that faith is not all about emotions and how you "feel". However I just still had not recently been able to feel God near. But I did realize that I had been thinking a lot about how I was feeling and not about how faithful God is.
  I have not thought of myself as a complainer, but in life I have often found myself wanting the lives of other people. Or, wishing I had their friendships, or confidence, or whatever. I am not frequently coveting their physical things, it is other dimensions of their lives. One of the Ten Commandments instructs us not to covet anything that belongs to our neighbor. I think I can see why. But this morning when I was driving by myself I was thinking about my life. In being really honest with myself, I wondered if someone who did not know Christ would see Him in my life? I really do not think that I have been living in the abundant life that He wants to give us. Jesus said, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full" (John 10:10).
  In Philippians chapter 4 Paul says, ^"12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³ I can do all this through him who gives me strength".

I have struggled with anxiety and depression in this life and they are very real. I believe I do have some challenged neurotransmitters (or receivers), but there are many who suffer far worse than me.  But I cannot say that I have been practicing a life of contentment. And, I can definitely say that many times I try to do for myself what only God can do. I don't give him the chance - I don't even allow the possibility. We as humans cannot possible understand Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. I have read the Bible multiple times. Enough to know that God can raise dead people back to life, cast out demons, not to mention creating the whole world. And, He cares! "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life" John 3:16. 
He loves us that much. It takes a risk to ask God for what we really need. But if we never do, we will never know how our lives could be different. 
   Why is it so hard to rest in God's provision, pray, and leave it in His hands (without taking it back and worrying over it, trying to do it ourselves)? As I have read in, "Experiencing God", He is the same God He was in the Bible, and He is still able to do all of those things that He has done for the faithful in the past. 
  We (really I) just have to give Him the chance. . .