A. "Man's chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy him forever". Westminster Shorter Catechism
Well, not exactly sure where the last 6 weeks went. I had been reveling in my newly found freedom from all of the restrictions and compulsions imposed upon myself, but somewhere along the way after that I got mired down again.
Jesus came so that we can have life, and have it to the full. This is not just about what happens after my heart stops beating. It is about what goes on during and between every heartbeat. I used to begin the day, most every day, by berating myself for what I had not done and weighing myself down with all that needed to be done in that day. It started by beating myself up over the fact that I had indeed slept in again and would thus be starting the day behind, unorganized, with no quiet buffer zone in which to seek God and to attempt to get organized for the day. I have been constantly concerned with what I have let slip off my plate, with the fear of what will happen when the repercussions catch up with me. Looking back on it (and because I still fall into it), I can see that I appear to be looking for ways to criticize myself. Okay, so I am doing decently in this one area, I am surely not "measuring up" in these others. I have been constantly policing myself and basically trying to beat myself into "shape" anytime where I found that I did not measure up to my concept of what or how I "should" be doing.
For so long I have not been aware of all of this negativity and criticism I have imposed on myself. I have had periods of awareness.
No wonder I have had trouble making progress. How can you move forward when inside your very own brain you are telling yourself, "What's the use? I am never going to catch up on so-andso....OR We haven't done any of these house renovations yet so how can we even hope to begin now? OR Why do I even try to fool myself that I know these people better when they are never going to invite myself and my family into something with them outside of church-related functions?? "
What is missing from these words within my head? Hope. Peace. Full life in the present. Now, it will do me no good to next beat myself up over this reality. Though, I have done this in the past and been stuck in a vicious negative cycle.
I go to see a counselor once a week, a psychologist who happens to be a Christian as well. She does not advertise the second half because she wants to see anyone who needs help, and does not want to scare off those who are not professing Christians. She helps me to see truth. She is the one who let me know that God wants us to have fun and enjoy life (she reminded me of the Westminster Catechism). Sometimes my jaw drops and my eyes widen at the life-giving truths she has to offer me, in which I have not been living.
I feel like chains fall off in there, and I go a few days feeling pretty light. And then somehow the chains are back on, or have reorganized themselves such that I am feeling weighed down again by the next week when I return. I frequently find life to be overwhelming.
I am blessed to get to help lead the singing part of worship sometimes at my church. It is one of the few places in my life (besides trying to love my husband and my daughter well) where I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Today we sang, "Blessed Be Your Name" and "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)". Two parts in "Blessed Be Your Name" convicted me today. I am learning to be more of an honest person. For much of my life there has been a disconnect between what was going on inside me and what I presented to the rest of the world. I also very very rarely ever told anyone my real opinions or feelings on things out of fear. This is beginning to change. Just know I have the desire to be a much more authentic person than I ever used to be. I intend to sing what I mean, and mean what I sing. Well, during our practice time I sang, "Every blessing you pour out I'll turn back to praise...". Yet it struck me that it was not true for me. I did not allow myself to start to berate myself, but I noticed it for sure - almost as if somehow that line in the song was in a different key than the rest of the song. The other part that struck me was, "You give and take away, you give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be your name." (my emphasis added)
During our worship time in the actual church service, I sang it as an intention, "Every blessing you pour out I'll turn back to praise. . . " I cannot promise Lord, but that is how I want to live. Lord how I want to live that way.
