"My heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be Your name"
When I do not feel like God is close by it is a very hard place to be. When everything turned dark and God in all His goodness was unimaginable, when even the beauty of his creation was completely lost on me because of the dark fog in my brain - well that for me was hell on earth.
I have been told by multiple people I love and trust that there will come these dark hard times in which you choose faith. Faith is not based on feelings.
I think I have been a 'fair weather' Christian. Meaning, as long as I knew things would get better I was fine. As long as we could pay the bills, as long as _________, (whatever it might be) my faith remained intact. Very humbling thought.
I have very rarely fully leaned on God. Taken Him at his Word. I have lived in fear rather than trusting God.
And I began to doubt my own salvation. . . doubting God . . . I was not kidding when I said it was very dark. This world without Jesus is very dark.
Even in my doubt and fear and darkness God showed up.
Then the darkness swelled again.
I am getting glimpses of God. I am a sinner who falls far short of the glory of God. Yet I choose to believe that it is this season of darkness in my own brain that makes it seem as if God is far from me. I have recognized my own disobedience to God. I told a friend that I felt like there was something in between God and I. She said it could be disobedience. Well I have since realized two different things in which I had felt the Spirit moving me and I did not move. One such nudge was more than 2 years old. Yep. And we are trying to teach my daughter about obedience because God calls her to that, and calls us to be obedient to Him. and we have had trouble. Hmmmmm....
I know part of the problem is in my own brain, yet I do know that things CAN come in between us and God. Alright, this is all I can say for now.
