Chicken Nuggets

Today I did feel that someone other than myself (meaning God) was in control. As carefully as I had calculated to make sure we had enough nuggets for the preschool class, we had a lot left over. I was planning to bring them home and freeze them and/or give some away. God had other plans. On our way home from preschool Margaret and I saw a man asking for help at the intersection of Sharon Amity and Monroe. We had seen him before and spoken briefly with him (all that you can do at that intersection). As I offered him some nuggets his face lit up and then I saw that the light had turned green. I told him I would find somewhere to park. Conveniently there is a cemetary on the corner so I simply pulled into the cemetary.
   I was trying to figure out how to give him some of the nuggets as he was walking over. I had the big tray with lid, large plastic bag, and soggy paper bag filled with different sauces.  He brainstormed with me and shared some of his situation. He and his wife had 4 kids between the 2 of them and they were staying at a hotel (and had been staying there for a year). At that point I told him to just take all of the nuggets and sauces.
    He has a hernia which makes it impossible for him to work in his former field of construction. His wife is working at Burger King. They will not hold the room for them, so he is collecting money everyday for the hotel. He would like to be working (in a not physically straining job) but he really can't afford to stop asking for money in order to go looking for a job. His name was Levi.
   He has been going to a church he mentioned but I did not know it. He said God has been sustaining him. He said he thought that sometimes God allows us to go through these challenging times because there are certain things we need to learn. 

Confronting my own self-centeredness. . .

  I can definitely say that God has been working on me through various venues.  In our family group from church we have been reading, The Meaning of Marriage. It is written by Tim Keller based on a number of sermons he preached about marriage. So far Chapter 2 has been the kicker for me. The part that convicted me most? It was, "Confronting Our Own Self-Centeredness".  Mr. Keller quotes 2nd Corinthians chapter 5 verse 15 in regard to Jesus,"And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again". I have been a Christian my whole life and have heard this plenty of times, as well as the following verse.  "Whoever finds his life will lose it and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." (Matthew 10:39)
    Yet, somehow I never really got it until I read, "There is the essence of sin, according to the Bible - living for ourselves, rather than for God and the people around us" (pg. 63 in The Meaning of Marriage).  I stopped for a bit after reading this.  The Holy Spirit within me convicted me that this was how I had been living. I sometimes tried to do nice things for people, but giving my life away for others was not a way of life for me.  Throughout the day what guided me was how I felt and what I wanted - my passions and desires. Ultimately this drove most of my decisions. Mr. Keller goes on to say, "This is why Jesus can sum up the entire law - the entire will of God for our lives - in two great commands:  to love and live for God rather than ourselves and to love and put the needs of others ahead of our own (Matthew 22:37-40).
  I have noticed people giving much of themselves for others and for certain ministries and thought, "How can they do that?" I just really was not that giving.  And, I have recognized that I was taking my husband for granted, and would do better for awhile, and then fall back into my old patterns.
  I cannot find the quote, (and it is possible it might be in another Christian book I am reading)but somewhere I read that we cannot give ourselves up in this way (as the Bible teaches) unless it is out of Holy Spirit filled gratitude for what Jesus did on the cross.
  I then realized that I have been taking my salvation for granted. I started praying that the Holy Spirit would reveal to me the depths of my sin and more understanding of what Jesus went through for me.  God has been answering this prayer - primarily the first part at this point.
    For so long I have focused on my pet sin of turning to food for comfort, entertainment, soothing, etc. I now believe Satan was encouraging me in this because it kept my focus off of the deeper rooted sin of my worship of self (and my desires, etc). I have been living to please myself. More to come later. . .

Progress and....lightbulb!

I am grateful to say that I am feeling more comfortable in my own skin lately. And each day is not the struggle that it was. God answered prayers regarding insight from a doctor regarding medications. I actually mopped the kitchen floor. Progress is being made.
  I am still seeking Jesus and trying to listen. Rather than seeking God in the sunroom with the shades closed, I finally opened the shades and let the light in. Some days I have sat on the deck or on the trampoline. I know that darkness is as light to Him, but I don't have to sit in the dark to seek Him, especially when I am challenged emotionally.
   It just hit me recently that I have been totally underestimating the Holy Spirit, and that is a serious understatement. Ironic considering the domain name for this blog (www.befilledwiththespirit.blogspot.com), huh? I have been reading, "Theology of the Body for Beginners" for a Mom's group at my church. Thinking about marriage on earth and what it points towards in heaven, as well as how our physical bodies bear the image of our Creator.

 I think because the Holy Spirit is to me the fuzziest part of the Trinity (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit), I just didn't go there. What was I thinking? Jesus said He was sending a Comforter to his disciples after He would go back to the Father. If I do not have faith in the power of the Holy Spirit living within me I would guess that would severely limit His power in my life. Hmmm...

I have been struggling with the idea that perhaps I had been praying to God's pinky toenail when I thought I had totally understood God. Now that I know I cannot completely understand Him, it was hard for me to envision to whom I was praying. I did not want to create an idol made up of my own limited concept of God. I shared this with my Aunt Marilyn,who we got to spend time with on our trip today (as well as my Uncle Frank). Out of the conversation (I think she said it) came the recognition that I can just pray to Jesus. Duh!!  He is the one who came in human flesh.  He is the one who dwelt among us and experienced temptations and cried for his beloved friend that had died. I can relate more to Him.  It  is beyond humbling to know that he endured unimaginable suffering and the weight of our sins and died on the cross for me. But He did.
  And to think I have struggled with this for a couple months. . .
Yet it was an important point that brought on the questioning for me - basically that we need to be careful that we do not create our own convenient form of God and worship that rather than the one true God.

A Season of Searching. . .

 I wrote earlier posts about praying to God and then basically taking things back and worrying about them. Well, I realized it was happening again. I have been very honest lately with folks who have asked me how I was doing. I prefer to do this (when time allows) but I also can't spill my guts to everyone (nor do I need to).  I can tell people have been praying for me. Just yesterday I prayed for Margaret for all of the things that I have been worrying about for her without consciously realizing it. This really included her getting all that she needs - socially, spiritually, physically (diet, exercise), emotionally, and other things as well. I think the only one I really haven't worried about is her getting what she needs cognitively. But I had been worrying about all of her needs and were they being met and how do you know if you are having enough quality time with your kid?! And how do you know what is taking care of YOU and what is selfish? It is true that my mental health is better if I am taking better care of ME, but there will always be MORE that I could do for myself. So, where do you set the limit??
   I have a house sorely in need of fall cleaning, but when it comes to priorities I would rather have quality time with Margaret. Yet, I think she has allergies (as I do) and it would really benefit us both and John too if I could have some sort of regular approach to cleaning the house. But, it is easier for me to deal with a not so clean house then the guilt of feeling like I am not present for my daughter as I need to be. I think I am frequently motivated by trying to avoid feeling current guilt and possible future guilt. I know we need to change the air filter though, and I wake up with my nose stuffy so it will probably get to a point where I can't stand it and then I will clean.
  How do you know?
   Well, the good news is that I did pray for Margaret about all of the things over which I was worrying (that I was given eyes to see), and I did have some most blessed welcome peace. Oh Lord, that I could pray and trust You everyday. I did not realize how my constant worrying and second guessing was stealing my peace.

  Upon concluding my music therapy internship (unsuccessfully by the world's standards, but not necessarily by mine) the greatest theme that finally shook out was that I wanted to listen to God. I was done with doing things my own way, stubbornly pressing onward even when I was no longer sure I should continue in that direction.
  So much in this life I believe I have prayed over and then I feel tried to use my own human intellect for discernment. Don't get me wrong, I certainly believe God gave us brains to use them.
 But in "Experiencing God" the authors talk about seeking the relationship with God first before trying to run out and DO something as we Americans often think we HAVE to do. I have heard and said myself, "God can't steer a parked car." Now I realize I cannot know God enough to know exactly what He will or will not choose to do.  But, as these authors discuss (Blackaby, Blackaby, & King, 2007), we can look at examples of how God has operated in the past. Often people are given specific instructions (such as Noah to build the ark, and Moses to build the tabernacle). Although Abraham was not given specific instructions at the beginning of his journey, God did say, "Go to the land I will show you, "Gen. 12:1. Blackaby, Blackaby, and King also said, "God always gives you enough specific directions to do what He wants you to do now. When you need more directions, He gives you more in His timing," (pg. 93)

  Yikes. Not exactly the way I like to operate, that is, waiting on God. Well, waiting on ANYTHING. Patience is not a gift I have naturally (nor organization, Lord please help us organize our household). Yet often hastily made decisions cannot be taken back. Although thankfully our God is a God of second chances (think 'Jonah') in life there is not always a 'do-over' button.

Life to the Full

I have felt that my faith has been under attack lately. Our pastor said that that is when we tend to seek substitutes for God. I have definitely seen that within myself (distraction, food, sleep). I know that faith is not all about emotions and how you "feel". However I just still had not recently been able to feel God near. But I did realize that I had been thinking a lot about how I was feeling and not about how faithful God is.
  I have not thought of myself as a complainer, but in life I have often found myself wanting the lives of other people. Or, wishing I had their friendships, or confidence, or whatever. I am not frequently coveting their physical things, it is other dimensions of their lives. One of the Ten Commandments instructs us not to covet anything that belongs to our neighbor. I think I can see why. But this morning when I was driving by myself I was thinking about my life. In being really honest with myself, I wondered if someone who did not know Christ would see Him in my life? I really do not think that I have been living in the abundant life that He wants to give us. Jesus said, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full" (John 10:10).
  In Philippians chapter 4 Paul says, ^"12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³ I can do all this through him who gives me strength".

I have struggled with anxiety and depression in this life and they are very real. I believe I do have some challenged neurotransmitters (or receivers), but there are many who suffer far worse than me.  But I cannot say that I have been practicing a life of contentment. And, I can definitely say that many times I try to do for myself what only God can do. I don't give him the chance - I don't even allow the possibility. We as humans cannot possible understand Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. I have read the Bible multiple times. Enough to know that God can raise dead people back to life, cast out demons, not to mention creating the whole world. And, He cares! "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life" John 3:16. 
He loves us that much. It takes a risk to ask God for what we really need. But if we never do, we will never know how our lives could be different. 
   Why is it so hard to rest in God's provision, pray, and leave it in His hands (without taking it back and worrying over it, trying to do it ourselves)? As I have read in, "Experiencing God", He is the same God He was in the Bible, and He is still able to do all of those things that He has done for the faithful in the past. 
  We (really I) just have to give Him the chance. . .  

God's Pinky Toenail

I am grateful to say that Friday was the best day I have had in a while. In the morning I shared with John things that were weighing heavily on my mind - primarily my deliberations in discipline with Margaret. It had gotten to the point where I was questioning pretty much every thing I was doing regarding discipline with Margaret. He asked me some pertinent questions regarding what I thought would happen if I "mess up". Ultimately, God is in control. We talked more, and then he prayed. And that day I was finally able to let go of the constant barrage of self-doubt and fear. This for me was a concrete example of God blessing me through my husband. I am so grateful for this partner in life that God has given me.
I am starting to have some peace and some positive feelings so that is hopeful for me. I know that God is faithful regardless of how I am feeling.
In regard to the "Experiencing God" book, it has brought up a lot of questions for me. I thought I knew God, but now I wonder if I was only praying to His pinky toenail. Someone in the class brought up that idols we worship can include the gods we create in our mind. Basically, we as Christians can come up with our own convenient manageable idea of God, and pray to that, that isn't really God.  I fear that I have very much done that at times.  I have thought somehow that I had God all figured out. Now I realize that I don't, and how can we as humans, possibly ever have Him all figured out?  So, that is where I am right now. God is God, and I am not - I know that for sure.

My grace is sufficient for thee. . .

Well, it has been a while, for good reason. John gave me the "Experiencing God" book from church later on in the afternoon of Sunday July 7th. The following day (either that Monday or Tuesday) I woke up at 6 in morning on my own and went down into our sunroom to start reading the book. This continued for almost exactly 4 weeks. I considered it an invitation from God. Never in my life have I been able to get up early and spend coherent time with God. There were days I tried to sleep in and I couldn't. And, I felt like if God was making the seemingly impossible happen, surely I could follow up on the invitation.
  It was good and I was not falling asleep while trying to read, which was amazing. But I got to a part about how important it is to really understand how much God loves me. The book talked about how important that is in order to have the close personal relationship with us that God desires. I needed to chew on this. I knew God had loved on me in the past, but I really felt like I needed to feel it again. God was feeling kind of distant to me.
    Then last week I started waking up earlier and earlier, and I would lay in the bed and my stomach would already be churning because of worries that I had. Our Vacation Bible School at church was last week and I had planned to be a teacher. I had prepared, but I still felt inadequate. And, it was so important. I was going to be spending a good chunk of time with kids who might not know Jesus.
   I did not have trouble going to sleep but I started having trouble staying asleep. The worst night I maybe got 4 hours of sleep.  I had no caffeine that week but I was not tired. Even when I tried to lay down to 'relax' during the day briefly, I could not sleep. In the morning my heart was racing. I felt the worst in the morning and would have to visit the bathroom a lot.
   As it seemed to be getting worse by the second day of VBS I asked lots of people to pray for me. Honestly, most anyone that I came in contact with, if I was alone, I asked to pray for me. I was desperate.  I had no peace, it was affecting me physically and mentally, and I wanted to be able to love on these kids as I had planned to do. I joined a group of people that Tuesday morning praying about VBS in general. As they prayed for the children and all involved I recognized that it was not about me. God helped me to put my focus on Him and the children. If I focused on the children and trusted that God could work through me, I could do what I needed to do.
   A scripture came to mind for me, "My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness". And I was incredibly weak.  Everything I knew to do in my own power was not helping.
By the grace of God I made it through the week. To me it was a gift to know that even in my own personal hell, God would not leave me. It is very difficult when your own mind becomes your worst enemy. I could not escape it. I wanted all the anxiety to go away, but I guess God wanted me to face it and press through it in His power alone.
  And, I did feel loved by God as He used my husband, daughter, and friends from church to minister to me in my desperation.

  I hope I never feel that way again. But it reminded me that there is no where I can go or be where God will not be with me. "...if I make my bed in the depths you are there." Psalm 139

Priorities

I did not yet write about it, but the discernment I received from God regarding the Haiti trip was, "Not this time."  For the first time in a long while I will be putting my family first.  There is a spiritual I have heard, "Get your house in order..."  This is what I need to do.  To learn how to put my husband first, and then our daughter. So I am working on that now, with God's help.
  In other news, I started taking a very small dose of a different happy pill.  I know that God is faithful, and if He really wanted to enable me to come off of the pills He would. However as of last week I felt a dark cloud descending, and my stomach was frequently churning concerned about me potentially scarring Margaret (through my lack of patience).  This was not a great time for extra stress for my husband either, and I asked myself, "Why AM I doing this?"  It would be one thing if it were just me trying to see if it was the time, but I do not live in an isolated universe.
   Crazily enough, the one positive constant about me going off of the happy pills was that it drew me much closer to God.  I was soooo aware of my need for grace and for constant provision of patience from Him. I knew I did not have the patience on my own because it had become evident. Beforehand for quite a while I would come to the confession time at church and have nothing I could think of to confess!  That was much more a measure of my (lack of) awareness of my sin rather than my actual sinning on a daily basis.
   So, I get what the book of James talks about regarding,
"Consider it pure joy my brothers, whenever you have trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

I don't know that I will ever be joyful for tribulation, but I welcome a chance to draw close to God.  And, although this trial is mostly over for the time being, never fear, a new trial will appear!

Honesty

I started this blog because I wanted to be open and honest about what God has been doing in my life.  In the process I was very honest about some of my own challenges.  I had no privacy settings.  Then because of one person I added the privacy settings and basically stopped writing.
   I have come to the conclusion that that was pretty sad.  I will keep writing honestly about what God is doing in my life regardless of what potential or current readers may think of me.  Yes it is a challenging season of life, but I do believe God can use it to His glory. And if I need to go back on happy pills I will do it, whether it is for the sake of my mental health or that of my husband or daughter's.
  God has been teaching me a lot lately.  He has helped me to see that I have been neglecting my husband for the last six years. I could not see this - I am so grateful I am seeing this now, while I have a chance to live differently.  I had been putting what I wanted first for so long that I did not see that there could be another way. The universe does not orbit around me!!   
Crazily enough, before I realized what I had been doing, I had the nerve to point my finger at my mother-in-law (who I love dearly) because she had on occasion made strong suggestions as to things that my husband wanted. After my heart was in the pit of my stomach for a day (after writing her), I decided to check my ever so pertinent devotional for the day (I had skipped looking at it the day that I was determined that I was 'right'). Guess what the scripture verse was?
"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?" Matthew 7:3-4
Yup, it was ever so true, and the problem is you can't argue with God. I mean, you can, He can take it and wants us to honest with him even when we are angry. But, I knew He was right. I still drug my feet on admitting that the log was in my own eye, but eventually I did.
   God IS pretty awesome.  I don't know how He does all that He does, but somehow He does it. I am happy to say that I am making changes now, to cherish my husband AND my daughter better.  I think the biggest change is my attitude.  In the past, if I was having a hard day, that was all I could think/talk/ruminate about.  Now I can see that even when I have had a hard day, my husband can easily have had one just as hard, or worse.  It is hard to get outside of myself to try to learn what I can do for him (on a hard day for me), but with God's help He makes it possible, and then a really awesome side effect is that I am not so concerned/caught up with ME anymore. This is what my husband has been doing for almost 10 years now.  Lord willing, I will learn it and practice it now.
I once heard my pastor in Durham (Allan Poole) quote someone regarding the way Christians thought of themselves. He said something to the effect of, "It is not that they think less of themselves, but that they think of themselves less ."  I really like that idea, and I hope God will enable me to carry it out.

   

Listening to God

For once in my life I feel like I am really listening to God.  Better, anyways.  Trust me, I still have plenty of selfish days.  But at the end of those days I feel like, "Uggh", and usually realize that I just did whatever I felt like that day. I have listened to myself and the whims of my flesh for a long time.  I have still been blessed and grown somewhat as a person, but really struggled. The ironic thing is that if you had asked me all along, I would have said I was trying to listen to God.  I think I did not know how, except in small instances.  The concept of seeking discernment, wise council, and waiting for discernment I did not really get. The "Be still, and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10, first part) I very rarely got.  The 'Be still' part continues to be a great challenge for me.
 
   Today a man I had never met before let me take his daughter with my own to the play area in the mall. His name was Mohammad.  We had talked a bit beforehand as his daughter was showing my daughter how to ride the imitation 'Rhody's ($20 in kiosk at Carolina Place mall). After talking with my husband we decided she did not need one of these "Hopper's" as she already has a bouncy horse to ride on at home.  And, she does not need to get EVERYTHING that she wants.  In fact, we both believe it is good for her NOT to get everything she wants. I conveyed this to the man selling them.  We said goodbye and that we were headed off to the play area.  The little girl said she wanted to go and I said she would need to ask her Daddy.  He said okay so we went. In hindsight, I should have gotten his telephone number at least.  it worked out okay. but afterwards, I felt very honored that this stranger, basically, would trust me with his kid.
   then, as we were leaving the mall I noticed a woman standing in the parking lot looking confused or like she was waiting for something.  We said hello and I asked her if she was okay.  She said she was, but that she had parked right near some bees without realizing it and she was allergic to bees.  And, she could only enter her car through the driver's side (she had parked in a handicapped spot and the driver's side was right up against a little concrete island with lots of pine needles and wasps flying around). She had had her phone out, I am guessing trying to figure out who she should call.  Margaret was in a stroller, so I locked the wheels. I told the woman if she trusted me and would stay there with my daughter, then I would be willing to get in her car and drive it over for her.  It was maybe 5 parking spaces away - I could see Margaret and she the whole time.  She said she trusted me and handed me her car key. So, I did as I had said.  As I handed her keys back to her I told her Jesus had nudged me.  We chuckled and she was off.  It is SO good to be used by God.  I am sorry I waited so long trying to be used in a profession. For some people they might be.  I don't think it is to be so for me, and I can live with that.  I just want to be used by God.

Can God be THIS good?? Part 2

I would like to explain how I have the opportunity to go to Haiti July 20-28th. First though, I need to give you some background info. God has used Haiti to change 'my' life, and me, for the better. I first went to Haiti in 2001 for a week, then in 2002 for a month, then 2 months before John and I got married we spent a month there (2003). I went in 2004 for a week, as well as 2005-2007.  Then I started school to pursue music therapy.  I have not been back since (John last went in March of 2010 after the earthquake, when I was pregnant with Margaret).
   Last year (Ash Wednesday 2012) I was honored and blessed to fly to Kansas City, Missouri to share Mass with my 'Haitian Mom', Sister Carmelle, who was dying of metastatic liver cancer. Father Joseph, Sister Simone, and Sister Claudette were also there from Haiti, as well as Sisters from the Kansas City area who loved Sr. Carmelle well. It was rich and bittersweet to hear Sr. Carmelle's beautiful voice singing the mass in her native tongue.

  I returned the next morning. My Dad died suddenly the following Monday. Sister Carmelle died later in March.
   I have thought of my beloved family Haiti - I confess - less and less as the years have gone by (with exception of Sr. Carmelle, especially last year).  I compare it to helping lead singing at church. I feel so incredibly alive while doing it and know it is exactly where God desires me to be. Yet, the more time that passes I forget how important it is to me.  I remember a basic idea regarding Satan's ploys - I think from the "The ScrewTape Letters" - Satan and his demons don't have to do anything fancy or well thought out to get us off of God's purposes. All they have to do is DISTRACT us. And, man is that easy to do to me.
         Other background info - I have wanted us to sponsor a child from Haiti for, Oh, I am sure more than 5 years. One of those good intentions with no follow through. Oh - we need to do a budget first (still haven't done it, sadly), blah blah blah, and all sorts of other reasons why I have never followed through with this. Well, a facebook friend named Laura posted a link to an incredibly informative article regarding an empirical study on the the impact of sponsoring a child. It was done by a group studying development- sorry I can't remember all of the details. But, basically using decent methodological research they found that child sponsorship had an undeniable positive impact on the child sponsored, and I think fringe benefits as well. Okay, going to attempt to link article....
http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2013/june/want-to-change-world-sponsor-child.html

She included in her post the sentiment "So... Maybe I should sponsor a child".  Yeah. I really don't know why it has taken me so long to get to that point. But, if you have any doubt on the good it can do, check the article.  So, then I went to "Compassion International"'s website and was looking through kids I could sponsor. I thought it was very awesome that I could search by birthday, country etc.  I found a girl from Haiti. But I couldn't decide. Then I thought, this is silly. I could go through 'Family Health Ministries' and we could actually, Lord willing, meet the child, and hopefully Margaret could too someday (I would like that). Why connect with some other part of Haiti when my heart is already way connected with one specific spot (Fondwa, Haiti)? This is how my reasoning went, anyway. Trust me, I will get to the point.
  so, then I go to FHM's website (http://familyhm.org/our-work/sainte-antoine ) and watch a wonderful video about child sponsorship in which I also see people I love dearly in Haiti who I have not thought about honestly in many years.  My heart was full with the desire to be with them, catch up with them, and to be back in a country that has taught me how to trust God.
    Then, with tears in my eyes I wrote on the FB page of Kathy Walmer, executive director of FHM. She is currently in Haiti. This is what I wrote: Kathy, can you please say hello to some friends from me, and let them know that I remember them and am thinking of them? Pastor Leon and Jackie, Sr. Simone and Sr. Claudette, Sr. Josephine, and Miss Kerline and Jezula and Lousna and Madame Cherie? I would love to say hello to Mannette and her family as well, but I do not know if you will see them. Okay, I need to go back to Haiti. It has been almost 6 years. I am so glad that things are going well. Love Elizabeth 

I hope you are paying attention, because this where God started getting my attention.  Soon after I posted this my friend Nancy, with whom I have gone on a Vacation Bible School trip to Haiti, wrote, "Hey, can you go with me and teach VBS in July?????"  I wrote her back and, yep, it turns out she was completely serious.  Her partner for VBS (other than her husband) had had to cancel for monetary reasons and she had been praying for a new partner to go with her.  I know the language and have been many times so it would be a lot easier for me to jump in last minute than some others (other than childcare details, logistics, money, etc, which do make last minute plans somewhat challenging).
   We have been exchanging messages, and logistically the trip could be done. If flights arrive as scheduled I would arrive back in to Durham, NC at 7:20 PM on Sunday the 28th and would then need to book it back to Charlotte in order to teach at our VBS in Charlotte the following day.  It could be done. And, the YMCA has AM and PM preschool camp for the week of the trip, so this could be done too.  
   I DO believe God has provided this opportunity, and I already have had tons of ideas for stuff I can sell to make money for the trip.  But I first need the blessing and support of my husband, then to step out in faith. . . will you pray for this?  Thank you.
.

Can God be THIS good??

Okay, I need to write at this point because otherwise I am thinking the rocks will start crying out. I have signed up for an online devotional called "Girlfriends in God".  In fact, I have been signed up for a long time, but now I am actually reading it.  It gets sent to me every day during the week.  i have been reading it every week day for about the last 6 weeks or so.  It has been the EXCEPTION that I have not felt that it was written explicitly for me.  How does God DO that??
   This spring God closed a door for me.  Or, rather, He challenged me, and grew me, and then gave me the wisdom and the opportunity to shut the door. But, I am stubborn, and honestly for a long time I really thought I needed a profession to be worthwhile. Anyhow, I decided, with counsel from God, my wise husband, my sister, and other wise people in my life, to shut the door on music therapy and instead receive a Bachelor of Arts in Music (I was originally seeking a Bachelor in Music in Music Therapy).  As you can likely imagine, it was a very very difficult decision to make.  Even when I knew within the deepest part of my spirit the wise choice, actually making the physical call (well, text message) was very difficult to do.
  But, I did it, and have experienced so much freedom and growth. It is as if a weight has been not just lifted, but propelled off of me.  I had been seeking therapeutic professions for so long (basically since I declared my Psychology major in college - 15 years). Some parts of it I was good it, but much not, and it drained me.  I thought the Holy Spirit had been guiding me towards it, but I had no idea how to seek God's will and listen when I started out on the pursuit.
  So, the door closed and immediately I started brainstorming other professions or jobs I could do, planning, reading "The Call", ordered "What color is your parachute" workbook, etc.  But at some point the Holy Spirit within me helped me to realize that above all, I wanted to listen to God. I had wanted to have regular morning time with God for a long time, but even before my daughter was born (2010) I just had not done it.
    So, I decided to put God first. I realized that to keep trying for morning time with God and failing was an exercise in insanity (to keep trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results). I started reading my e-mail devotional every day. During Margaret's nap I would seek Jesus first, then do other stuff.  This is very different from my previous approach to naptime, which was all about ME ME ME.  It is amazing what happens when you prioritize what is most important to you in life.
    So many times this devotional has been exactly what I needed to hear, frequently bringing me to the point of tears. God was moving.  I was growing closer to God.  Then Margaret gave up naps and I was completely off of happy pills in the same week.  And, I turned into a bear.  It is true, claws and all (at least for a few days). I tell you Satan made the most he possibly could of that opportunity.
  We adapted, Margaret has quiet time whether or not she takes a nap, and I seek Jesus in whatever form or fashion appeals to me for the day for the first part of her quiet time. It is still very challenging to have 11 or so hours of constant stimulation, but I know I need to trust God.
   Well, yesterday was exactly 2 weeks after I have been completely free of happy pills. I tell you I am learning a lot.  I can also say that doubts were creeping in and I was starting to have some fear and worries.  Just as I was recognizing my own self-focus and how it has affected my family, especially my husband, I felt myself starting to turn inward again with a lot of inner dialogue regarding 'how I was doing'. I asked my husband to pray for me.

   Well, this morning I dropped Margaret off at dance camp and after going to the chiropractor went to Starbucks to sit with God for a bit. I checked my devotional. http://www.crosswalkmail.com/ViewMessage.do?m=ehtrdrzsqp&r=zmrbfmdmwlwb&s=dhgdpstmdgdtjmnrkwlzltsjhkkjgctlppn&a=view
The title for today was "When I Fall Down" with the following Scripture, "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, ‘He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.’ "(Psalm 91:1-2, NIV)
   It talks about a child learning to walk and what is involved in taking that first step. And then there was this, "Have you ever felt like you have taken the step God wanted you to take only to find yourself dangling in thin air with no safety net in sight? I have. I don't like it. I want to know what is just ahead and see what is around the next corner of life. It frightens me to take risks. I wonder if God will really be there and come through for me the way He says He will in the Bible. Can I really do what God is asking me to do? Will He be pleased by my seemingly insignificant step of faith? And what happens if I fall? Falling is painful and something I try to avoid whenever possible".
   I have been learning a lot in the last few weeks, and much about my own sin. It has not been pretty, and also I am having a lot of emotions welling up related mostly to my Dad and my best friend dying last year.  My Haitian Mom "Sister Carmelle" and my good friend Helen Deese died last year as well. I think maybe I could not process all of these deaths in the time that I had. 
  Reading this devotional helped me to see that I do not need to panic.  There are growing pains involved in any changes. My happy pills I think kind of numbed me out.  But I need to give God the chance to meet me in my fears and worries.  But, for ME, if I do not give God that chance, I will never know what He can teach me, and the growth that He can foster within me during this season.  
  I have to be willing to trust in order to learn, not to just run back to my own inadequate coping strategies the instant fear and worry rear their ugly heads.  Oh Lord give me courage. I trust you. 

 

I am sorry "Lebo's"

Howdy. Well, although I have already confessed to my husband, a manager at Lebo's, and God, I still feel the need to blog about my. . . hmmm. . . lack of word censorship in a public place. Maybe I feel like I owe Lebo's some free, accurate publicity.  Here goes. . .
So, I have mentioned in an earlier post that I am off of the happy pills. I am feeling more alive than I have in a long time, but I am also recognizing some tendency towards certain sins that I think the happy pills camouflaged.  I have also been trying not to take Ritalin (for, as you are likely aware, ADD/ADHD). My daughter Margaret (3 years old) is starting dance camp next week at the YMCA and she has never done any kind of formal dancing at all (or lessons of any sort at all). I talked to my friend whose daughter I knew had taken dance lessons about where to go to get dance shoes. She said she went to "Lebo's". I said, "Oh, I have seen that on Independence and thought 'western wear' - who goes there?!" Then I thought to myself, "Oh man, maybe I just hurt her feelings, because, after all, she is my friend and DOES go there." You would think that would be enough for me to keep that thought to myself in the future. NOPE. What do I say to the woman who greets us almost right after I tell her what I was looking for?? You guessed it. "I have seen your store from Independence and thought 'western wear' - who goes there?!"
    The employee promptly says, "I was just telling my managers that 5 minutes ago and they didn't believe me. I want you to tell them exactly what you just told me."
   So....we turn around and head back to the checkout counter area (on a platform sort of thing) where 2 twenty-something employees are standing, as well as 1 thirty-something white male person who looks to be a manager (Wow, I seem to be just dripping the stereotypes today). The woman (I believe her name is Shari), Shari, says something to the effect of 'you need to listen to this'. I look up at the people but then down as I repeat my words for the third time. I then look up again and see a man wearing a cowboy hat and cowboy shirt standing there and his face looks a little pink. I felt bad.
   I realize now why I felt bad. By my saying, "Who goes there?!" I was implying that anyone who digs western wear is a nobody. Yikes.  Not the message I want to be sending as a Christian. I like to think that I have gotten better about being judgmental.  I wrote my thesis in undergrad on automatic prejudice (and did a lot of research on stereotyping) and have certainly been humbled on many many occasions.  And yet, here I was totally dissing people who had a different preference in clothing style to me. Yikes again.  Very sad. So, more accurately, I am sorry patrons of western wear. No, I don't think I will ever own a cowboy hat or shoes, but I am very sorry that I assumed I could know everything I needed to know about you based on the style of clothes you choose to wear. There. It is out.
  Now, for the free promo: Lebo's is really cool.  They DO have western wear, but they have LOTS of other things too. They have lots of awesome shoes. Okay, for sure I know they have lots of cool women's shoes, because I was not looking for shoes for my husband (he is getting other things for Father's Day). They have "Dansko" and "Alegria" (think really cute, patterned, adult Mary Janes) and they even have shoes specifically for doing ZUMBA!!!! I did not even know there were shoes specific to Zumba (did I mention I enjoy Zumba? Well, I do).  They have dance shoes for children and adults, leotards, tights, and tutus. And.  . . drum roll please. . . they have ADULT SIZE TUTUS!!! I have secretly been admiring Margaret's tutus and wishing they made them for women. Little did I know that they do! Anyhow, I plan to go back sometime when i can check out the adult dance wear. I can't tell you if the pricing is good or not because I have never bought tights or leotards or dance shoes before. The women's shoes I liked are pretty pricey, so I would have to wait for a really good sale.  I am just too frugal. Alright, well I have never written promotional material before, so that is all I have to say.  www.lebos.com
    P.S. I called Lebo's after I got back and gave a bumbling apology to the man in the cowboy hat. I should have talked to God first. You know, I am so grateful for grace that we have in Jesus Christ.  There is a reason Margaret's middle name is "Grace". We all need it!!!
  

Being real with God

In the last two weeks or so I have been feeling more alive than I have felt in I cannot even tell you how long. Praise be to God. I have been excited about things again, glad to be alive, grateful for all that I have been given. The choir director at our church asked if I would sing with the choir for a song this morning because they were short people (the number of singers, not their stature :) We sang "It is Well With My Soul" which we sang at our wedding (August 16, 2003) and at my Mom's funeral (early October 2003) This today was after an especially moving sermon by one of our pastors and a praiseful time with 2 contemporary songs. As I stood in front of church holding my hymnal my eyes were watery from joy.  I sang with all of who I was at the moment, literally shaking from the emotion of it.  Oh there have been such deep valleys and distance traveled within them over these last 18 months of this life. But today I could sing that it is well with my soul. It is very well.  Oh that it will remain.
   And as I sat to write to praise God during my quiet time (while Margaret is having her "quiet" (yeah, right) time) little sprouts of fear were already trying to make their way to the surface, ever so silently. But, I really did not want to admit this to God (as if He does not know). The truth is that in the midst of such blessings of recent, my mind wanted to start fearing for the future and preparing for the worst. Really. I decided to be real with God. I wrote in my journal, "I confess Lord, that part of me is scared that this will be taken away from me." But I will not live in fear anymore.  What is the point? It does not matter what tomorrow holds, because there is no where I can go where I will be away from the Spirit of our living God.
"Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?  If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.  If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me, " even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. " 
Psalm 139:7-12
   Over the last few years many times I have cried out to God and I have felt that He was asking me, "Do you trust me?" I trust you Lord, oh help me when my trust falters.

Facebook - to stay or not to stay. . .

So, as I have alluded to, I do not like comparing my life with others. I have, upon checking FB, found myself coveting other people's relationships.  I have wasted lots of time learning things about people that I really did not need or want to know.
     Important to this deliberation is the fact that my hard drive crashed maybe a week ago? Honestly, I don't exactly remember when it happened.  I did not find myself lamenting my dear FB.  I did find myself working on projects I have started years ago and not finished, as well as repairing things that were broken. I found myself writing in my journal about the blessings God was giving me daily, which I had stopped doing.
    Crazily enough, in the same span of time our washing machine broke, I started my first week off of happy pills, and my 3 year old daughter decided to stop taking naps. I tell you, our house has been getting cleaner than it has been in a long time.
  But, I don't want to be an over-sharer. The point I am trying to make, is when I spend less time on Facebook I spend more time actually living my life more fully rather than coveting things/relationships in the lives of others.
   Don't get me wrong - there is nothing like the cuteness of my dear friend Lisa's infant girl triplets and big sis in coordinating outfits.  I love her pictures and many others that bring me joy. But, the truth is that I would rather have a real phone conversation once a month with people in my life that I love rather than a daily dose of one liners and pictures.
   So, if I do depart FB as I have anticipated, I will make more effort to keep up with people far away in other ways.  And, Lord willing, they will too. 

Miss Margaret and Margaret Grace, Hendersonville, NC

Believe it or not, I still like writing old fashioned letters.

smart friend

So, I have a smart friend named Noelle Edwards who is departing Facebook and writing/sharing pics on her blog.  I like her style. Thus is the motivation for starting this blog.  So, I would love to still be able to share cute Margaret pictures, but no longer want to be comparing my life to numerous others. In addition I love to write even more then I like to take pictures, and I have heard that blogging is a better online medium for it anyway.  I don't know if anyone will want to read - humbling to think that people might subscribe - we shall see.  I wanted my domain name to be parts of scripture that have been especially meaningful to me, and it was refreshing how long it took me to find a domain name of scripture that was not already taken. Ha! Well, this is it for now.