God's Doing

      When I met with my friend on October 16th I had pretty much given up my battle with food. I was not going to let my self worth be dependant on my clothes size. But I was just done. It was not worth my mental health to stress about how much I weighed or how much I was eating. I had too many other things I was stressing about already. My belly was hanging over my pants though and I did not like that.

      I had had what I thought was a recent victory - I got chocolate chips out into a bowl to eat and I did not go back to get more. I told her this and she challenged me - why did you get the chocolate chips? "I wanted dessert." Were you hungry? "No...."

     She asked me a lot of challenging questions, and gave me tools, including Scripture. She also challenged me to not eat until I was hungry. It really seemed like a crazy concept to me. To sit at the table and NOT EAT while my husband and daughter were eating. I had had oodles of noodles at lunch at 12:30, and then around 3:30 at her house I had coffee with some sugar and half and half. So, I sat at dinner and did not eat. I explained that I was not hungry. I never did get hungry that night.

She had reminded me that, "If we confess our sins he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9). I had been living in gluttony. That night I confessed my sins of overeating to God. I confessed that I had worshipped food, and turned to it when I needed to have turned to Him. I asked God to forgive me in Jesus name, and purify me from all unrighteousness.

     I was not hungry in the morning. At that point I realized that because of the medication I am taking I was not going to get hunger pains. But, I COULD tell that my body felt empty (which it had not felt in a looong time). So I did eat breakfast, looking freshly at the food on my plate in view of my stomach's condition.

     My friend had also shared with me, 'Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit', says the Lord Almighty" (Zechariah 4:6). She gave me a piece of paper with faces on it representing all different sorts of emotions and suggested I put it up somewhere and look at it to see what emotions I would feel when going to eat (at a time different from a meal). I put it on the inside of a cabinet door that held a 2 pound bag of chocolate chips.

     A week went by and I did not binge. I had takeout food the following weekend in company of friends and ate more than I needed. I was not at all paying attention to how my stomach felt. So, the next morning when we went to Waffle House for chocolate chip pancakes for my daughter I had no desire at all to eat anything, and my stomach was still full. So, I just got some orange juice. And, I did not run out of energy and little by little my stomach started to feel confortable again. I don't remember what we had for lunch, but for dinner I got something just right for the amount of space I figured I had in my stomach. And, it was exactly what I wanted and I was very satisfied.

     I had lost normal enjoyment of eating food when I ate regardless of the condition of my stomach. Food tastes better when you are eating it for its intended purposes of nourishing and providing energy for your body.

     I had a delicious church dinner and one dessert with it and was content. Then I mistakenly took another dessert and was in process of eating it when I realized my error. I promptly stopped eating it and threw it in the trash, which was definitely NOT something in my former food behaviors. It felt very freeing.

     I have on occasion still eaten a bit more than needed, and have eaten some of the chocolate chips. But as I was taking a shower the other evening for some reason I envisioned a large bowl of icecream. For me 5 scoops with sprinkles and chocolate syrup and whip cream would have been my total limit for one evening, often eaten in two stints. As I envisioned it in its massiveness it held no appeal for me. If fact it grossed me out to think of stuffing my stomach with all of that. Wow.

God has given me a gift. When I reached the end of my efforts and had decided to give up, He did it in His faithfulness, by His Spirit. Even as He was in process of doing this, I was confused about other issues, and feeling like I needed to SEE that He was active and real. His power was right under my nose, but I was so busy I had not taken time to consider what He had been doing in my life.

     God's timing is amazing. My mental health was beginning to deteriorate during this time because I was busier than I ever need to be. In the past I would have just binged more, and then felt disgusted with myself on top of being highly stressed and emotionally unstable. God didn't allow me to do this this time - to try to numb myself with food. Thus my emotions were seeping out from undercover and forcing me to pay attention to them. Praise be to God that I could listen to my emotions and start asking for help. I still have not fully grasped what God has done and is doing. I am still in process of trying to slow down so that I can experience life more fully rather than just existing and surviving.

Glimpses of Heaven

I am so blessed yet there are so many days I do not know it. So blessed. I just finished watching "The Color Purple" for the first time. Wow. To have people that you love that love you, that is the 2nd greatest gift in the world, other than Jesus dying on the cross and rising again to save us. People that love us for who we really are, sin, wrinkles, yucky looking feet and all. This is what brings life and joy to our days. Oh I can get caught up in so many things that do not matter at all. Who cares if I weigh 10 pounds more than I want to weigh? Life is short. Children grow up fast. Health is a blessed gift as well that does not last forever. We are not guaranteed tomorrow, yesterday is gone, and all we have is today. Why waste that time lamenting what I am not, or what I do not have? Why waste that time worrying about things that likely may never happen, when my worrying would not make things better anyway??
   I get to go on a vacation with my family to somewhere beautiful and stay there for free. Family members feed us and enjoy our company.
  There have been plenty of times I have begrudged my housework, and fantasized about having a day completely to myself. I am SO blessed to be able to stay home and care for our daughter and our house. I am blessed to have pots to wash because it means I got to eat. It means there are people that I love that love me and enjoy being around me.
   Last Thursday I started waking up early again and I feared the worst - that what happened to me this past fall was going to happen again. I started having some worries. I got scared.
   But I made a choice. I will choose faith over fear. God offers me that choice. In the past I have made the choice for fear and let it take over my life. Choosing faith is hard because it involves a retraining of my brain. It is hardest in the morning. But I believe I always have the choice. God offers me another way of living. He will carry it all for me, but I have to offer it to him- all my fears and worries. He wants to carry it for me. He does not want me to suffer like I did last fall, when my trust was in our bank account rather than my Heavenly Father. Checks may bounce but prayers to Jesus do not.

Fear

God is good. Fear is not of God. Things have been going well for a while. This is my first summer in three of not going completely off of mental health medications. Yes, this summer is much better than the last two, and I am sure my husband and daughter would agree. I am learning a lot. Want to know a precious gem? If you cannot love yourself for how God made you now, you will never love yourself. Not sure if that is clear. Basically, you have to love yourself right now where you are. Because if it is dependant on how much you weigh, how much you have accomplished, how many kids you have, what your husband thinks of you, whether or not you have a husband, what degrees come behind your name, etc., you will never truly love yourself for who you are.
  I am learning that what you believe about yourself can have a HUGE impact on all of the rest of your life. I am going to seek for truths about who I am and how valuable I am from the Bible - what God says about me.
   Okay back to the fear part. As I said, things have been going well. For those not aware of past posts, this past fall was the worst I have ever felt in my life. And although things have been going decently, there has been a small part of me that has been concerned about this fall. Fearing - what if it happens again?  What if the bottom just drops out of my life again? I have had 7 months of sound mind and emotions. It is easy to take it for granted for most of us. What if it happens again?
   I was in a group where people were talking about fear and the power that it can have if we let it. We can let our lives be completely ruled by fear. At some point I realized that although this past fall was horrific for me and I could not feel God near at all, looking back I believe He was carrying me. There is nowhere I can go where He will not be. If you have any doubts, check Psalm 139.

Confession. . .

      I am a compulsive overeater. I had no idea how much room food, food acquisition and food consumption were taking up in my brain. But I had gotten to the point of being disgusted with myself for the umpteenth time. I am tired of living the way I have been living. I wrote in an earlier post about "living a lie".  I squashed down my feelings for the majority of my 37 year life thus far.  Well, my primary tool in doing that was food. I used food to numb myself from the feelings I was trying to avoid feeling. My weight has been on a pendulum I would say since finishing college. I don't want to dwell on the negative however.
     There is good on the horizon. Though I am unable to stop myself from eating certain foods once I start (usually until I am disgustingly stuffed and/or sick feeling and/or embarrassed if in public), I do not have to take that first bite. I can choose to abstain from certain foods.  I want to live differently. I would like my life to revolve around God and not food. He IS good and He IS faithful.

My Anchor

    Summer is quickly approaching and with it impending transition. There will be much less time to myself as well as little established structure to the days.  Already social/church activities have ended and I had a taste of unstructured time earlier this week.  I found myself freaking out a bit because I was not sure what to do in the time I DID have to myself. Then Margaret and I spent too much time in the house because I had not planned things for us to do. I know my peace of mind should not be dependent on social interactions and planned activities, and yet I felt that I was floundering. I found the following Scripture which I then meditated on for a good bit of time, "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. (Hebrews 6:19)"
    All around me is constantly changing, and even with things I think I can depend on, I am deluded. Happiness will come and go, yet I can have peace in my soul if I anchor myself in Christ. I don't know about you, but when I am in pain, or unsettled, or simply not at peace I first look for things I think will make me feel better.  I keep thinking I am going to find those things at the bottom of a Ben and Jerry's carton.  What I do find there is disappointment in myself as well as frustration at my lack of self-control. Satan would like to use these times for me to beat up on myself. Yet I will choose instead to know that I am a work in progress and God will use these struggles ultimately to draw me closer to Him. I have had seasons in which I feel like I WAS dependent on God and His provision rather than looking for it elsewhere.  And then, I did not feel the need to eat to fill myself with food even when my stomach is satiated.
   Today at church I got to sing from the front with a friend who was leading part of the musical worship time. I did not know until today what songs we would be singing. Part of a song came to mind as I was trying to move the piano, and then I realized it was part of the song we would be singing. It was, "my anchor holds within the veil". It was from the song "Cornerstone". I had been meditating on scripture during the week that was likely part of what inspired the song I helped sing today.
   God IS providing what I need, and He did so this past week. I didn't know ahead of time how He would do it, and that is hard. It is hard to put all your trust in someone you cannot see, and often cannot hear either. I could plan for my daughter to go to a camp every week of the summer (our budget would not like that), but then I would miss out on the creative ways in which God will provide for my and my daughter's needs. I have to give God the space and time and opportunity to be at work in my life.

Seeking. . .

I am listening to a froggy chorus outside our sunroom windows. I have no windows open, they are just that loud (the pump to the pool is currently broken so our pool resembles a pond right now). I am trying to prepare for two classes this week as well as finish planning my daughter's birthday party. This is in addition to the usual work involved in running a household. And it occurred to me - 6 months ago I couldn't have done this. At that time surviving through the day was very challenging. I did not try to kill myself, but I did think things would be easier if I was just dead. Wow.
   So, this in itself is amazing. However unfortunately I seem to have drifted away from depending on God. Not that I could directly when I was sick - I eventually felt so bad that my faith was hindered and everything seemed dark and I had trouble believing. But at some point after coming out of the darkness I came to recognize that God had not gone away, even though I had not been able to feel Him.
   I have been spending some time reading the Bible and answering questions for a financial class ("Compass", formerly "Crown Financial Ministries"), yet ironically I do not feel that I have been connecting directly with God.
   For Lent I gave up sweets, which in the past has been a very worthwhile spiritual discipline for me. This time however, it totally backfired.  What I gave up in sweets I more than made up in chips and goldfish and whatever else I decided to gorge myself on (resulting in me gaining about 5 pounds over Lent - ha!). It was discouraging. It did eventually point me toward God though, because I realized I couldn't do it on my own - this whole 'self-control' and avoiding gluttony thing. It brought me to my knees and I beseeched God for help. I was better for a little bit and then I have gotten back into old habits (especially as Easter candy specials were available). Argh.
   I miss feeling close to God. Even though one of my courses is a Bible study as well as a financial course I have not been really studying Scripture. I read it to answer questions in my workbook. I would like to have hunger again to read the Word. I would like to go to seek God in a quiet spot knowing that I will find Him. . . . .
   Well I just did that - amidst the froggy chorus. I will have to be truly seeking Him more often if I want to find Him.

Into the light. . .

   As of early December I have emerged from the worst anxiety and depression of my life thus far. I could not feel God at all, but I have since learned that that does not mean that He is not there.  From Deuteronomy 31:8:

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

I am so thankful not to be struggling with everything everyday as I was. Life is so short. I know some of us have predispositions to experiencing such things (including neurotransmitter imbalances in the brain). However, I know my own reactions to the uncertainties of life and fear of the future contributed significantly. So did running out of medication (not my fault), and the time of year (fall).  Jesus said, 

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own". Matthew 6:34
 
  There is so much we can worry about on this earth, but it is not worth the time to do so. Besides, Jesus says not to do it!  Does anyone ever give up worrying for Lent?  I wonder. I have found myself concerned about things some 20 or more years into the future. I really want and need to trust God. But that does not mean I want to live haphazardly.
   "Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise,  making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil" Ephesians 5:15-16

I want to live intentionally for God, trusting in His promises. Can I get an "Amen!"?