I have come to the conclusion that that was pretty sad. I will keep writing honestly about what God is doing in my life regardless of what potential or current readers may think of me. Yes it is a challenging season of life, but I do believe God can use it to His glory. And if I need to go back on happy pills I will do it, whether it is for the sake of my mental health or that of my husband or daughter's.
God has been teaching me a lot lately. He has helped me to see that I have been neglecting my husband for the last six years. I could not see this - I am so grateful I am seeing this now, while I have a chance to live differently. I had been putting what I wanted first for so long that I did not see that there could be another way. The universe does not orbit around me!!
Crazily enough, before I realized what I had been doing, I had the nerve to point my finger at my mother-in-law (who I love dearly) because she had on occasion made strong suggestions as to things that my husband wanted. After my heart was in the pit of my stomach for a day (after writing her), I decided to check my ever so pertinent devotional for the day (I had skipped looking at it the day that I was determined that I was 'right'). Guess what the scripture verse was?
"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?" Matthew 7:3-4
Yup, it was ever so true, and the problem is you can't argue with God. I mean, you can, He can take it and wants us to honest with him even when we are angry. But, I knew He was right. I still drug my feet on admitting that the log was in my own eye, but eventually I did.
God IS pretty awesome. I don't know how He does all that He does, but somehow He does it. I am happy to say that I am making changes now, to cherish my husband AND my daughter better. I think the biggest change is my attitude. In the past, if I was having a hard day, that was all I could think/talk/ruminate about. Now I can see that even when I have had a hard day, my husband can easily have had one just as hard, or worse. It is hard to get outside of myself to try to learn what I can do for him (on a hard day for me), but with God's help He makes it possible, and then a really awesome side effect is that I am not so concerned/caught up with ME anymore. This is what my husband has been doing for almost 10 years now. Lord willing, I will learn it and practice it now.
I once heard my pastor in Durham (Allan Poole) quote someone regarding the way Christians thought of themselves. He said something to the effect of, "It is not that they think less of themselves, but that they think of themselves less ." I really like that idea, and I hope God will enable me to carry it out.
