Psalm 40: 1-3

I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.  Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him.  Psalm 40: 1-3

These blessed words of God were prayed over me by a dear sister in Christ (we'll call her Grace) two years ago, in the fall of 2014.  I was in my own personal hell of emotional and physical suffering as well as spiritual darkness.  I was at my church wandering the hallways desperate for someone to pray for me.  Desperate, hurting, broken.  The suffering was not just beginning nor was it at its end.  She was doing nursery duty in the toddler room.  We sat on the floor amongst the toddlers and she prayed this Psalm over me.  At its worst I had lost 20 lbs, was not sleeping, was consumed by anxiety, and I hoped for death as a blessed relief from my torment. 

I attended a women's retreat with my church at Valle Crucis, NC during this time.  I had been many many times and it was always an anointed place for me.  Most of all I encountered God at the waterfall. In the fall  of 2014 I went - scared to stay home and scared to go.  I carried my darkness with me there, though I did have a glimpse of light that first night.  I did not sleep and was not physically well enough to walk to the waterfall.  By the end of the weekend I was visibly shaking and certain that others were talking about me.  

  

Thanks be to God, eventually the suffering receded and I started to see light where formerly only darkness had been.  I was so grateful for it all.  Two years pass.....

I am preparing to return to Valle Crucis in November of 2016.  I am well in all respects, yet as the date approaches I find myself frustratingly unable to decide how, when, and with whom I want to travel there. 

I talk with a dear friend about my challenges, and she shares some of her own.

 I burst out in tears at a worship practice session for the retreat.  I am not completely sure why.  I feel like I am not needed, and I so desperately want to give an offering -  grateful that I am well enough to do so.  I am offered a solo - I don't know if that is what God wants me to sing for Him - but I say yes in case it is. 

I write some friends and family to ask for prayer.  The buried pain from two years ago keeps resurfacing and I am not sure what to do with it. 

When I organize my music for the retreat I put "The Valley Song" by Jars of Clay in the front pocket of the binder. 

As I am getting ready to leave the morning of the first day of the retreat, I clean out my book bag. I find a mushed piece of paper among many at the bottom.  These words grab my eyes, "One of the central messages of Christianity is that suffering and death bring resurrection and new life. Are there any losses you have not yet embraced where new life is waiting to be birthed?"

This message and question I put in my Bible, yet they are also tumbling around in my head throughout my packing and during the retreat weekend.  

On Saturday morning of the weekend I answer a question in my small group regarding "afflictions accomplishing something eternally good". I share briefly what I have realized that God allowed me to learn from my time of suffering and darkness.

Worrying is a waste of time.  Trust in God. 

My faith is stronger and deeper now because of my time in darkness.  

fear actually relies on faith...it's simply faith in the wrong things. Fear is placing your faith in "what ifs" rather than in "God is” Craig Groeschel, Soul Detox: Clean Living in a Contaminated World

Even though I could not feel God and even doubted His existence, He was still there.  

After I shared, another woman shared her desert of suffering in which she was currently residing.  At some point later it occurred to me that maybe me sharing my past suffering had made it easier for her to share.

During my quiet time that morning on the hill when the dew was still somewhat wet on the grass, I thought again about suffering and death bringing resurrection and new life.  I looked at John 10:10, "I have come that they may have life and have it to the full".  I remember reading that many years before and knowing that I was not living the abundant life God desired for me. 

Later that afternoon with many friends I ascended the steep but short mountain climb up to my beloved waterfall.  I sat and I sat and I sat on a strong rock that juts out over the rushing waters.  It occurred to me that this waterfall would keep going whether I was sitting here to observe it or not. I found myself wondering if the Holy Spirit wears away our sins and imperfections as the rushing waters do to the rocks beneath them.  I was able to revel in what God had taught me in the last two years and thank Him for it. I wrote in my journal up there on the rock, 

"I could have died 2 years ago - in fact I would have liked to die at the time and be done with the suffering. But you have brought new life from the suffering.  Stronger faith.  I am getting better at trusting You instead of worrying". This then reminded me of a Bible verse in the Message version,

It is wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. 

Philippians 4: 6-7 (towards the end of the paragraph)

Sunday morning I am flustered and feeling anxious for a number of reasons before our final worship time together.  I sing and play guitar but I am not at my best.  I decide to do the planned solo at the last minute, but I am tense and not in a worship-filled mindset.  Our speaker gives her final talk and then we have a time of sharing.  I am listening. I am more relaxed now. I grab my music binder and put "The Valley Song" in it in case I AM supposed to share it. I hear one of my closest friends speak of her recent reconnection with her Father after more than 25 years.  More people share and then there is quiet.  I don't know if I am to share, yet I'd rather share and regret it then not share if God wanted me to, and regret that.  I decide I want to share "The Valley Song" too.  I had realized that at other times of suffering in my life I have sung that song, but I was always in the valley with my back bruised and nearly broken.  And now I could sing of the rivers of joy.

I share briefly of my suffering two years ago and what God has done in my life since.  And I told them that He is faithful, and His mercies are new every morning.  Then I sang "The Valley Song" with all that I had in me.  Afterwards my dear sister Grace handed me her Bible turned to Psalm 40, with the following words underlined: He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.  I wasn't sure what she meant by that - the Valley Song was by no means new to me.  But then I realized I had never shared it before with this faith family.  

She said, "This is yours.  This is your anthem." (meaning Psalm 40:1-3)

Within months after she had prayed Psalm 40 over me God had indeed lifted out of the mud and mire.  But now, two years after my time in the slimy pit, God had finally, "put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God".

And then someone shared with me this past Wednesday that my sharing had been their favorite part of the retreat.  Other people had told me that my sharing blessed them. 

"Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him".

And as I came to see better (as much as my human brain can) how God had been at work in me and through me, I knew I had to share the whole story, as I know it at this time. Who knows what else God could be up to?? 

He is forever faithful though, I know that to be true.  Thanks be to God. 

The Valley Song (Sing of Your Mercy)

You have led me to the sadness
I have carried this pain
On a back bruised, nearly broken
I'm crying out to You

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

when death, like a gypsy
Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek your face
But I fear You aren't listening
Because there are no words
Just the stillness
And the hunger
For a faith that assures

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia

while we wait for rescue
With our eyes tightly shut
Face to the ground using our hands
To cover the fatal cut
Though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy
I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy
Alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia

Written by Aaron Sands, Charlie Lowell, Dan Haseltine, Matt Odmark, Stephen Daniel Mason • Copyright © Universal Music Publishing Group, Capitol Christian Music Group