Usually during my daughter Margaret's
quiet time I spend time with God in some way or another. Sometimes I
take a nap. Yesterday during Margaret's quiet time I thought about
the verse, "Be very careful, then, how you live - not as
unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity,
because the days are evil. Therefor do not be foolish, but understand
what the Lord's will is." Ephesians 5:15 - 17. I had desired
to get organized in the morning but instead had the chance to meet up
with friends, which was very refreshing. But I was thinking God would
appreciate me being able to prioritize and stop running around from
task to task like a chicken with my head cut off. So, I began to work
on an approach that works for my counselor and that I thought had a
good chance of working for me. I had a bunch of notecards and put
categories for different things needing to be done on each one. Then
I started listing the things underneath each one. I had each heading
a different color, and it felt freeing to be finally writing down
these things that I have been letting slip off my plate and/or
fearing I would completely forget about. and then I wrote back to
someone on e-mail about something related to God and looked at the
clock and realized 45 minutes of the hour were already gone. And I
had spent no time with God. Sitting on the daybed I flopped over with
my head in my lap and said to myself, "I am a mess!" I
heard (not outloud but in my head), "You are my mess/mine,
and I don't see you like that."
I then proceeded to list all the reasons I was a failure, "Even
though I can never seem to get it together; even though I am on 3
mental health medications and a 4th to help me sleep? Even though I
have only held a 40 hour a week job for a total of 15 months?"
I
was crying at this point. I kept throwing at God the reasons why I
was a mess and He was not buying it. I tried to see myself as He sees
me but I couldn't quite. But somehow all of the stuff (including
things I did not mention) did not change how He felt about me. I felt
nudged to read Psalm 139, which I have read many many times before. I
stopped every two lines and tried to let it soak in, to really
believe it, to take it as if it was written to God about me
personally. I started over many times. "I praise you
because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
This is the first part of verse 14, and I underlined the same part
underlined here, in my Bible.
After
this time the hour was over, and I had told Margaret she could come
out at 3:47. I really wanted to order my colored pens in rainbow
order but I thought, "No, I told Margaret 3:47 and I want to
honor what I said. I don't want to take advantage of the fact that
she cannot tell time." but then I felt like I got permission
(whether from the Holy Spirit or from me with new insight, I don't
know) to go ahead. Like, "Elizabeth, you can take 5 or 10
minutes to order your pens in rainbow color - it will be okay. You
are worth it." So I did. There was a freeing involved.
