Can God be THIS good?? Part 2

I would like to explain how I have the opportunity to go to Haiti July 20-28th. First though, I need to give you some background info. God has used Haiti to change 'my' life, and me, for the better. I first went to Haiti in 2001 for a week, then in 2002 for a month, then 2 months before John and I got married we spent a month there (2003). I went in 2004 for a week, as well as 2005-2007.  Then I started school to pursue music therapy.  I have not been back since (John last went in March of 2010 after the earthquake, when I was pregnant with Margaret).
   Last year (Ash Wednesday 2012) I was honored and blessed to fly to Kansas City, Missouri to share Mass with my 'Haitian Mom', Sister Carmelle, who was dying of metastatic liver cancer. Father Joseph, Sister Simone, and Sister Claudette were also there from Haiti, as well as Sisters from the Kansas City area who loved Sr. Carmelle well. It was rich and bittersweet to hear Sr. Carmelle's beautiful voice singing the mass in her native tongue.

  I returned the next morning. My Dad died suddenly the following Monday. Sister Carmelle died later in March.
   I have thought of my beloved family Haiti - I confess - less and less as the years have gone by (with exception of Sr. Carmelle, especially last year).  I compare it to helping lead singing at church. I feel so incredibly alive while doing it and know it is exactly where God desires me to be. Yet, the more time that passes I forget how important it is to me.  I remember a basic idea regarding Satan's ploys - I think from the "The ScrewTape Letters" - Satan and his demons don't have to do anything fancy or well thought out to get us off of God's purposes. All they have to do is DISTRACT us. And, man is that easy to do to me.
         Other background info - I have wanted us to sponsor a child from Haiti for, Oh, I am sure more than 5 years. One of those good intentions with no follow through. Oh - we need to do a budget first (still haven't done it, sadly), blah blah blah, and all sorts of other reasons why I have never followed through with this. Well, a facebook friend named Laura posted a link to an incredibly informative article regarding an empirical study on the the impact of sponsoring a child. It was done by a group studying development- sorry I can't remember all of the details. But, basically using decent methodological research they found that child sponsorship had an undeniable positive impact on the child sponsored, and I think fringe benefits as well. Okay, going to attempt to link article....
http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2013/june/want-to-change-world-sponsor-child.html

She included in her post the sentiment "So... Maybe I should sponsor a child".  Yeah. I really don't know why it has taken me so long to get to that point. But, if you have any doubt on the good it can do, check the article.  So, then I went to "Compassion International"'s website and was looking through kids I could sponsor. I thought it was very awesome that I could search by birthday, country etc.  I found a girl from Haiti. But I couldn't decide. Then I thought, this is silly. I could go through 'Family Health Ministries' and we could actually, Lord willing, meet the child, and hopefully Margaret could too someday (I would like that). Why connect with some other part of Haiti when my heart is already way connected with one specific spot (Fondwa, Haiti)? This is how my reasoning went, anyway. Trust me, I will get to the point.
  so, then I go to FHM's website (http://familyhm.org/our-work/sainte-antoine ) and watch a wonderful video about child sponsorship in which I also see people I love dearly in Haiti who I have not thought about honestly in many years.  My heart was full with the desire to be with them, catch up with them, and to be back in a country that has taught me how to trust God.
    Then, with tears in my eyes I wrote on the FB page of Kathy Walmer, executive director of FHM. She is currently in Haiti. This is what I wrote: Kathy, can you please say hello to some friends from me, and let them know that I remember them and am thinking of them? Pastor Leon and Jackie, Sr. Simone and Sr. Claudette, Sr. Josephine, and Miss Kerline and Jezula and Lousna and Madame Cherie? I would love to say hello to Mannette and her family as well, but I do not know if you will see them. Okay, I need to go back to Haiti. It has been almost 6 years. I am so glad that things are going well. Love Elizabeth 

I hope you are paying attention, because this where God started getting my attention.  Soon after I posted this my friend Nancy, with whom I have gone on a Vacation Bible School trip to Haiti, wrote, "Hey, can you go with me and teach VBS in July?????"  I wrote her back and, yep, it turns out she was completely serious.  Her partner for VBS (other than her husband) had had to cancel for monetary reasons and she had been praying for a new partner to go with her.  I know the language and have been many times so it would be a lot easier for me to jump in last minute than some others (other than childcare details, logistics, money, etc, which do make last minute plans somewhat challenging).
   We have been exchanging messages, and logistically the trip could be done. If flights arrive as scheduled I would arrive back in to Durham, NC at 7:20 PM on Sunday the 28th and would then need to book it back to Charlotte in order to teach at our VBS in Charlotte the following day.  It could be done. And, the YMCA has AM and PM preschool camp for the week of the trip, so this could be done too.  
   I DO believe God has provided this opportunity, and I already have had tons of ideas for stuff I can sell to make money for the trip.  But I first need the blessing and support of my husband, then to step out in faith. . . will you pray for this?  Thank you.
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Can God be THIS good??

Okay, I need to write at this point because otherwise I am thinking the rocks will start crying out. I have signed up for an online devotional called "Girlfriends in God".  In fact, I have been signed up for a long time, but now I am actually reading it.  It gets sent to me every day during the week.  i have been reading it every week day for about the last 6 weeks or so.  It has been the EXCEPTION that I have not felt that it was written explicitly for me.  How does God DO that??
   This spring God closed a door for me.  Or, rather, He challenged me, and grew me, and then gave me the wisdom and the opportunity to shut the door. But, I am stubborn, and honestly for a long time I really thought I needed a profession to be worthwhile. Anyhow, I decided, with counsel from God, my wise husband, my sister, and other wise people in my life, to shut the door on music therapy and instead receive a Bachelor of Arts in Music (I was originally seeking a Bachelor in Music in Music Therapy).  As you can likely imagine, it was a very very difficult decision to make.  Even when I knew within the deepest part of my spirit the wise choice, actually making the physical call (well, text message) was very difficult to do.
  But, I did it, and have experienced so much freedom and growth. It is as if a weight has been not just lifted, but propelled off of me.  I had been seeking therapeutic professions for so long (basically since I declared my Psychology major in college - 15 years). Some parts of it I was good it, but much not, and it drained me.  I thought the Holy Spirit had been guiding me towards it, but I had no idea how to seek God's will and listen when I started out on the pursuit.
  So, the door closed and immediately I started brainstorming other professions or jobs I could do, planning, reading "The Call", ordered "What color is your parachute" workbook, etc.  But at some point the Holy Spirit within me helped me to realize that above all, I wanted to listen to God. I had wanted to have regular morning time with God for a long time, but even before my daughter was born (2010) I just had not done it.
    So, I decided to put God first. I realized that to keep trying for morning time with God and failing was an exercise in insanity (to keep trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results). I started reading my e-mail devotional every day. During Margaret's nap I would seek Jesus first, then do other stuff.  This is very different from my previous approach to naptime, which was all about ME ME ME.  It is amazing what happens when you prioritize what is most important to you in life.
    So many times this devotional has been exactly what I needed to hear, frequently bringing me to the point of tears. God was moving.  I was growing closer to God.  Then Margaret gave up naps and I was completely off of happy pills in the same week.  And, I turned into a bear.  It is true, claws and all (at least for a few days). I tell you Satan made the most he possibly could of that opportunity.
  We adapted, Margaret has quiet time whether or not she takes a nap, and I seek Jesus in whatever form or fashion appeals to me for the day for the first part of her quiet time. It is still very challenging to have 11 or so hours of constant stimulation, but I know I need to trust God.
   Well, yesterday was exactly 2 weeks after I have been completely free of happy pills. I tell you I am learning a lot.  I can also say that doubts were creeping in and I was starting to have some fear and worries.  Just as I was recognizing my own self-focus and how it has affected my family, especially my husband, I felt myself starting to turn inward again with a lot of inner dialogue regarding 'how I was doing'. I asked my husband to pray for me.

   Well, this morning I dropped Margaret off at dance camp and after going to the chiropractor went to Starbucks to sit with God for a bit. I checked my devotional. http://www.crosswalkmail.com/ViewMessage.do?m=ehtrdrzsqp&r=zmrbfmdmwlwb&s=dhgdpstmdgdtjmnrkwlzltsjhkkjgctlppn&a=view
The title for today was "When I Fall Down" with the following Scripture, "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, ‘He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.’ "(Psalm 91:1-2, NIV)
   It talks about a child learning to walk and what is involved in taking that first step. And then there was this, "Have you ever felt like you have taken the step God wanted you to take only to find yourself dangling in thin air with no safety net in sight? I have. I don't like it. I want to know what is just ahead and see what is around the next corner of life. It frightens me to take risks. I wonder if God will really be there and come through for me the way He says He will in the Bible. Can I really do what God is asking me to do? Will He be pleased by my seemingly insignificant step of faith? And what happens if I fall? Falling is painful and something I try to avoid whenever possible".
   I have been learning a lot in the last few weeks, and much about my own sin. It has not been pretty, and also I am having a lot of emotions welling up related mostly to my Dad and my best friend dying last year.  My Haitian Mom "Sister Carmelle" and my good friend Helen Deese died last year as well. I think maybe I could not process all of these deaths in the time that I had. 
  Reading this devotional helped me to see that I do not need to panic.  There are growing pains involved in any changes. My happy pills I think kind of numbed me out.  But I need to give God the chance to meet me in my fears and worries.  But, for ME, if I do not give God that chance, I will never know what He can teach me, and the growth that He can foster within me during this season.  
  I have to be willing to trust in order to learn, not to just run back to my own inadequate coping strategies the instant fear and worry rear their ugly heads.  Oh Lord give me courage. I trust you. 

 

I am sorry "Lebo's"

Howdy. Well, although I have already confessed to my husband, a manager at Lebo's, and God, I still feel the need to blog about my. . . hmmm. . . lack of word censorship in a public place. Maybe I feel like I owe Lebo's some free, accurate publicity.  Here goes. . .
So, I have mentioned in an earlier post that I am off of the happy pills. I am feeling more alive than I have in a long time, but I am also recognizing some tendency towards certain sins that I think the happy pills camouflaged.  I have also been trying not to take Ritalin (for, as you are likely aware, ADD/ADHD). My daughter Margaret (3 years old) is starting dance camp next week at the YMCA and she has never done any kind of formal dancing at all (or lessons of any sort at all). I talked to my friend whose daughter I knew had taken dance lessons about where to go to get dance shoes. She said she went to "Lebo's". I said, "Oh, I have seen that on Independence and thought 'western wear' - who goes there?!" Then I thought to myself, "Oh man, maybe I just hurt her feelings, because, after all, she is my friend and DOES go there." You would think that would be enough for me to keep that thought to myself in the future. NOPE. What do I say to the woman who greets us almost right after I tell her what I was looking for?? You guessed it. "I have seen your store from Independence and thought 'western wear' - who goes there?!"
    The employee promptly says, "I was just telling my managers that 5 minutes ago and they didn't believe me. I want you to tell them exactly what you just told me."
   So....we turn around and head back to the checkout counter area (on a platform sort of thing) where 2 twenty-something employees are standing, as well as 1 thirty-something white male person who looks to be a manager (Wow, I seem to be just dripping the stereotypes today). The woman (I believe her name is Shari), Shari, says something to the effect of 'you need to listen to this'. I look up at the people but then down as I repeat my words for the third time. I then look up again and see a man wearing a cowboy hat and cowboy shirt standing there and his face looks a little pink. I felt bad.
   I realize now why I felt bad. By my saying, "Who goes there?!" I was implying that anyone who digs western wear is a nobody. Yikes.  Not the message I want to be sending as a Christian. I like to think that I have gotten better about being judgmental.  I wrote my thesis in undergrad on automatic prejudice (and did a lot of research on stereotyping) and have certainly been humbled on many many occasions.  And yet, here I was totally dissing people who had a different preference in clothing style to me. Yikes again.  Very sad. So, more accurately, I am sorry patrons of western wear. No, I don't think I will ever own a cowboy hat or shoes, but I am very sorry that I assumed I could know everything I needed to know about you based on the style of clothes you choose to wear. There. It is out.
  Now, for the free promo: Lebo's is really cool.  They DO have western wear, but they have LOTS of other things too. They have lots of awesome shoes. Okay, for sure I know they have lots of cool women's shoes, because I was not looking for shoes for my husband (he is getting other things for Father's Day). They have "Dansko" and "Alegria" (think really cute, patterned, adult Mary Janes) and they even have shoes specifically for doing ZUMBA!!!! I did not even know there were shoes specific to Zumba (did I mention I enjoy Zumba? Well, I do).  They have dance shoes for children and adults, leotards, tights, and tutus. And.  . . drum roll please. . . they have ADULT SIZE TUTUS!!! I have secretly been admiring Margaret's tutus and wishing they made them for women. Little did I know that they do! Anyhow, I plan to go back sometime when i can check out the adult dance wear. I can't tell you if the pricing is good or not because I have never bought tights or leotards or dance shoes before. The women's shoes I liked are pretty pricey, so I would have to wait for a really good sale.  I am just too frugal. Alright, well I have never written promotional material before, so that is all I have to say.  www.lebos.com
    P.S. I called Lebo's after I got back and gave a bumbling apology to the man in the cowboy hat. I should have talked to God first. You know, I am so grateful for grace that we have in Jesus Christ.  There is a reason Margaret's middle name is "Grace". We all need it!!!
  

Being real with God

In the last two weeks or so I have been feeling more alive than I have felt in I cannot even tell you how long. Praise be to God. I have been excited about things again, glad to be alive, grateful for all that I have been given. The choir director at our church asked if I would sing with the choir for a song this morning because they were short people (the number of singers, not their stature :) We sang "It is Well With My Soul" which we sang at our wedding (August 16, 2003) and at my Mom's funeral (early October 2003) This today was after an especially moving sermon by one of our pastors and a praiseful time with 2 contemporary songs. As I stood in front of church holding my hymnal my eyes were watery from joy.  I sang with all of who I was at the moment, literally shaking from the emotion of it.  Oh there have been such deep valleys and distance traveled within them over these last 18 months of this life. But today I could sing that it is well with my soul. It is very well.  Oh that it will remain.
   And as I sat to write to praise God during my quiet time (while Margaret is having her "quiet" (yeah, right) time) little sprouts of fear were already trying to make their way to the surface, ever so silently. But, I really did not want to admit this to God (as if He does not know). The truth is that in the midst of such blessings of recent, my mind wanted to start fearing for the future and preparing for the worst. Really. I decided to be real with God. I wrote in my journal, "I confess Lord, that part of me is scared that this will be taken away from me." But I will not live in fear anymore.  What is the point? It does not matter what tomorrow holds, because there is no where I can go where I will be away from the Spirit of our living God.
"Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?  If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.  If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me, " even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. " 
Psalm 139:7-12
   Over the last few years many times I have cried out to God and I have felt that He was asking me, "Do you trust me?" I trust you Lord, oh help me when my trust falters.

Facebook - to stay or not to stay. . .

So, as I have alluded to, I do not like comparing my life with others. I have, upon checking FB, found myself coveting other people's relationships.  I have wasted lots of time learning things about people that I really did not need or want to know.
     Important to this deliberation is the fact that my hard drive crashed maybe a week ago? Honestly, I don't exactly remember when it happened.  I did not find myself lamenting my dear FB.  I did find myself working on projects I have started years ago and not finished, as well as repairing things that were broken. I found myself writing in my journal about the blessings God was giving me daily, which I had stopped doing.
    Crazily enough, in the same span of time our washing machine broke, I started my first week off of happy pills, and my 3 year old daughter decided to stop taking naps. I tell you, our house has been getting cleaner than it has been in a long time.
  But, I don't want to be an over-sharer. The point I am trying to make, is when I spend less time on Facebook I spend more time actually living my life more fully rather than coveting things/relationships in the lives of others.
   Don't get me wrong - there is nothing like the cuteness of my dear friend Lisa's infant girl triplets and big sis in coordinating outfits.  I love her pictures and many others that bring me joy. But, the truth is that I would rather have a real phone conversation once a month with people in my life that I love rather than a daily dose of one liners and pictures.
   So, if I do depart FB as I have anticipated, I will make more effort to keep up with people far away in other ways.  And, Lord willing, they will too. 

Miss Margaret and Margaret Grace, Hendersonville, NC

Believe it or not, I still like writing old fashioned letters.

smart friend

So, I have a smart friend named Noelle Edwards who is departing Facebook and writing/sharing pics on her blog.  I like her style. Thus is the motivation for starting this blog.  So, I would love to still be able to share cute Margaret pictures, but no longer want to be comparing my life to numerous others. In addition I love to write even more then I like to take pictures, and I have heard that blogging is a better online medium for it anyway.  I don't know if anyone will want to read - humbling to think that people might subscribe - we shall see.  I wanted my domain name to be parts of scripture that have been especially meaningful to me, and it was refreshing how long it took me to find a domain name of scripture that was not already taken. Ha! Well, this is it for now.