I am grateful to say that Friday was the best day I have had in a while. In the morning I shared with John things that were weighing heavily on my mind - primarily my deliberations in discipline with Margaret. It had gotten to the point where I was questioning pretty much every thing I was doing regarding discipline with Margaret. He asked me some pertinent questions regarding what I thought would happen if I "mess up". Ultimately, God is in control. We talked more, and then he prayed. And that day I was finally able to let go of the constant barrage of self-doubt and fear. This for me was a concrete example of God blessing me through my husband. I am so grateful for this partner in life that God has given me.
I am starting to have some peace and some positive feelings so that is hopeful for me. I know that God is faithful regardless of how I am feeling.
In regard to the "Experiencing God" book, it has brought up a lot of questions for me. I thought I knew God, but now I wonder if I was only praying to His pinky toenail. Someone in the class brought up that idols we worship can include the gods we create in our mind. Basically, we as Christians can come up with our own convenient manageable idea of God, and pray to that, that isn't really God. I fear that I have very much done that at times. I have thought somehow that I had God all figured out. Now I realize that I don't, and how can we as humans, possibly ever have Him all figured out? So, that is where I am right now. God is God, and I am not - I know that for sure.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Saturday, August 10, 2013
My grace is sufficient for thee. . .
Well, it has been a while, for good reason. John gave me the "Experiencing God" book from church later on in the afternoon of Sunday July 7th. The following day (either that Monday or Tuesday) I woke up at 6 in morning on my own and went down into our sunroom to start reading the book. This continued for almost exactly 4 weeks. I considered it an invitation from God. Never in my life have I been able to get up early and spend coherent time with God. There were days I tried to sleep in and I couldn't. And, I felt like if God was making the seemingly impossible happen, surely I could follow up on the invitation.
It was good and I was not falling asleep while trying to read, which was amazing. But I got to a part about how important it is to really understand how much God loves me. The book talked about how important that is in order to have the close personal relationship with us that God desires. I needed to chew on this. I knew God had loved on me in the past, but I really felt like I needed to feel it again. God was feeling kind of distant to me.
Then last week I started waking up earlier and earlier, and I would lay in the bed and my stomach would already be churning because of worries that I had. Our Vacation Bible School at church was last week and I had planned to be a teacher. I had prepared, but I still felt inadequate. And, it was so important. I was going to be spending a good chunk of time with kids who might not know Jesus.
I did not have trouble going to sleep but I started having trouble staying asleep. The worst night I maybe got 4 hours of sleep. I had no caffeine that week but I was not tired. Even when I tried to lay down to 'relax' during the day briefly, I could not sleep. In the morning my heart was racing. I felt the worst in the morning and would have to visit the bathroom a lot.
As it seemed to be getting worse by the second day of VBS I asked lots of people to pray for me. Honestly, most anyone that I came in contact with, if I was alone, I asked to pray for me. I was desperate. I had no peace, it was affecting me physically and mentally, and I wanted to be able to love on these kids as I had planned to do. I joined a group of people that Tuesday morning praying about VBS in general. As they prayed for the children and all involved I recognized that it was not about me. God helped me to put my focus on Him and the children. If I focused on the children and trusted that God could work through me, I could do what I needed to do.
A scripture came to mind for me, "My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness". And I was incredibly weak. Everything I knew to do in my own power was not helping.
By the grace of God I made it through the week. To me it was a gift to know that even in my own personal hell, God would not leave me. It is very difficult when your own mind becomes your worst enemy. I could not escape it. I wanted all the anxiety to go away, but I guess God wanted me to face it and press through it in His power alone.
And, I did feel loved by God as He used my husband, daughter, and friends from church to minister to me in my desperation.
I hope I never feel that way again. But it reminded me that there is no where I can go or be where God will not be with me. "...if I make my bed in the depths you are there." Psalm 139
It was good and I was not falling asleep while trying to read, which was amazing. But I got to a part about how important it is to really understand how much God loves me. The book talked about how important that is in order to have the close personal relationship with us that God desires. I needed to chew on this. I knew God had loved on me in the past, but I really felt like I needed to feel it again. God was feeling kind of distant to me.
Then last week I started waking up earlier and earlier, and I would lay in the bed and my stomach would already be churning because of worries that I had. Our Vacation Bible School at church was last week and I had planned to be a teacher. I had prepared, but I still felt inadequate. And, it was so important. I was going to be spending a good chunk of time with kids who might not know Jesus.
I did not have trouble going to sleep but I started having trouble staying asleep. The worst night I maybe got 4 hours of sleep. I had no caffeine that week but I was not tired. Even when I tried to lay down to 'relax' during the day briefly, I could not sleep. In the morning my heart was racing. I felt the worst in the morning and would have to visit the bathroom a lot.
As it seemed to be getting worse by the second day of VBS I asked lots of people to pray for me. Honestly, most anyone that I came in contact with, if I was alone, I asked to pray for me. I was desperate. I had no peace, it was affecting me physically and mentally, and I wanted to be able to love on these kids as I had planned to do. I joined a group of people that Tuesday morning praying about VBS in general. As they prayed for the children and all involved I recognized that it was not about me. God helped me to put my focus on Him and the children. If I focused on the children and trusted that God could work through me, I could do what I needed to do.
A scripture came to mind for me, "My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness". And I was incredibly weak. Everything I knew to do in my own power was not helping.
By the grace of God I made it through the week. To me it was a gift to know that even in my own personal hell, God would not leave me. It is very difficult when your own mind becomes your worst enemy. I could not escape it. I wanted all the anxiety to go away, but I guess God wanted me to face it and press through it in His power alone.
And, I did feel loved by God as He used my husband, daughter, and friends from church to minister to me in my desperation.
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