Why Johanna Amaris?

 I was ready for a second child a lot sooner than my husband. I wondered if he would ever be ready.  When he was ready, we were older and that made things more difficult. Then God gave me a gift….

It was Christmas time. I was sorting gifts to give to kids and cousins. I held a shirt my husband had picked out for one of the cousins. I was going to set it on that cousin’s pile when in my head I heard, “Don’t give it away.” It was not scary or booming, just very clear. I believe that voice was God speaking to me.  The shirt said “Big Sister”.

I believed God had given me a promise. I just had to trust Him. About 5 months went by. I became pregnant. This was the fulfillment of the promise! Until…it wasn’t.  I had a miscarriage. I was very confused. God had promised me, and we all know that God doesn’t break promises. I was feeling pretty broken myself. More months passed. I read about and reminded myself of people in the Bible like Sarah who were much older than me and became pregnant.

  Finally the next Christmas rolled around. I remember crying and writing in my journal and thinking - “this is not what I was expecting - did I make a mistake?”.  Then in January I had a positive pregnancy test. This baby grew and was healthy. She was the promised one. When she was born, we named her after my husband’s paternal grandmother, Johanna. But, her middle name is Amaris.  This means ‘promised one’ in Hebrew. 

Psalm 40: 1-3

I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.  Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him.  Psalm 40: 1-3

These blessed words of God were prayed over me by a dear sister in Christ (we'll call her Grace) two years ago, in the fall of 2014.  I was in my own personal hell of emotional and physical suffering as well as spiritual darkness.  I was at my church wandering the hallways desperate for someone to pray for me.  Desperate, hurting, broken.  The suffering was not just beginning nor was it at its end.  She was doing nursery duty in the toddler room.  We sat on the floor amongst the toddlers and she prayed this Psalm over me.  At its worst I had lost 20 lbs, was not sleeping, was consumed by anxiety, and I hoped for death as a blessed relief from my torment. 

I attended a women's retreat with my church at Valle Crucis, NC during this time.  I had been many many times and it was always an anointed place for me.  Most of all I encountered God at the waterfall. In the fall  of 2014 I went - scared to stay home and scared to go.  I carried my darkness with me there, though I did have a glimpse of light that first night.  I did not sleep and was not physically well enough to walk to the waterfall.  By the end of the weekend I was visibly shaking and certain that others were talking about me.  

  

Thanks be to God, eventually the suffering receded and I started to see light where formerly only darkness had been.  I was so grateful for it all.  Two years pass.....

I am preparing to return to Valle Crucis in November of 2016.  I am well in all respects, yet as the date approaches I find myself frustratingly unable to decide how, when, and with whom I want to travel there. 

I talk with a dear friend about my challenges, and she shares some of her own.

 I burst out in tears at a worship practice session for the retreat.  I am not completely sure why.  I feel like I am not needed, and I so desperately want to give an offering -  grateful that I am well enough to do so.  I am offered a solo - I don't know if that is what God wants me to sing for Him - but I say yes in case it is. 

I write some friends and family to ask for prayer.  The buried pain from two years ago keeps resurfacing and I am not sure what to do with it. 

When I organize my music for the retreat I put "The Valley Song" by Jars of Clay in the front pocket of the binder. 

As I am getting ready to leave the morning of the first day of the retreat, I clean out my book bag. I find a mushed piece of paper among many at the bottom.  These words grab my eyes, "One of the central messages of Christianity is that suffering and death bring resurrection and new life. Are there any losses you have not yet embraced where new life is waiting to be birthed?"

This message and question I put in my Bible, yet they are also tumbling around in my head throughout my packing and during the retreat weekend.  

On Saturday morning of the weekend I answer a question in my small group regarding "afflictions accomplishing something eternally good". I share briefly what I have realized that God allowed me to learn from my time of suffering and darkness.

Worrying is a waste of time.  Trust in God. 

My faith is stronger and deeper now because of my time in darkness.  

fear actually relies on faith...it's simply faith in the wrong things. Fear is placing your faith in "what ifs" rather than in "God is” Craig Groeschel, Soul Detox: Clean Living in a Contaminated World

Even though I could not feel God and even doubted His existence, He was still there.  

After I shared, another woman shared her desert of suffering in which she was currently residing.  At some point later it occurred to me that maybe me sharing my past suffering had made it easier for her to share.

During my quiet time that morning on the hill when the dew was still somewhat wet on the grass, I thought again about suffering and death bringing resurrection and new life.  I looked at John 10:10, "I have come that they may have life and have it to the full".  I remember reading that many years before and knowing that I was not living the abundant life God desired for me. 

Later that afternoon with many friends I ascended the steep but short mountain climb up to my beloved waterfall.  I sat and I sat and I sat on a strong rock that juts out over the rushing waters.  It occurred to me that this waterfall would keep going whether I was sitting here to observe it or not. I found myself wondering if the Holy Spirit wears away our sins and imperfections as the rushing waters do to the rocks beneath them.  I was able to revel in what God had taught me in the last two years and thank Him for it. I wrote in my journal up there on the rock, 

"I could have died 2 years ago - in fact I would have liked to die at the time and be done with the suffering. But you have brought new life from the suffering.  Stronger faith.  I am getting better at trusting You instead of worrying". This then reminded me of a Bible verse in the Message version,

It is wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. 

Philippians 4: 6-7 (towards the end of the paragraph)

Sunday morning I am flustered and feeling anxious for a number of reasons before our final worship time together.  I sing and play guitar but I am not at my best.  I decide to do the planned solo at the last minute, but I am tense and not in a worship-filled mindset.  Our speaker gives her final talk and then we have a time of sharing.  I am listening. I am more relaxed now. I grab my music binder and put "The Valley Song" in it in case I AM supposed to share it. I hear one of my closest friends speak of her recent reconnection with her Father after more than 25 years.  More people share and then there is quiet.  I don't know if I am to share, yet I'd rather share and regret it then not share if God wanted me to, and regret that.  I decide I want to share "The Valley Song" too.  I had realized that at other times of suffering in my life I have sung that song, but I was always in the valley with my back bruised and nearly broken.  And now I could sing of the rivers of joy.

I share briefly of my suffering two years ago and what God has done in my life since.  And I told them that He is faithful, and His mercies are new every morning.  Then I sang "The Valley Song" with all that I had in me.  Afterwards my dear sister Grace handed me her Bible turned to Psalm 40, with the following words underlined: He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.  I wasn't sure what she meant by that - the Valley Song was by no means new to me.  But then I realized I had never shared it before with this faith family.  

She said, "This is yours.  This is your anthem." (meaning Psalm 40:1-3)

Within months after she had prayed Psalm 40 over me God had indeed lifted out of the mud and mire.  But now, two years after my time in the slimy pit, God had finally, "put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God".

And then someone shared with me this past Wednesday that my sharing had been their favorite part of the retreat.  Other people had told me that my sharing blessed them. 

"Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him".

And as I came to see better (as much as my human brain can) how God had been at work in me and through me, I knew I had to share the whole story, as I know it at this time. Who knows what else God could be up to?? 

He is forever faithful though, I know that to be true.  Thanks be to God. 

The Valley Song (Sing of Your Mercy)

You have led me to the sadness
I have carried this pain
On a back bruised, nearly broken
I'm crying out to You

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

when death, like a gypsy
Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek your face
But I fear You aren't listening
Because there are no words
Just the stillness
And the hunger
For a faith that assures

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia

while we wait for rescue
With our eyes tightly shut
Face to the ground using our hands
To cover the fatal cut
Though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy
I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy
Alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia

Written by Aaron Sands, Charlie Lowell, Dan Haseltine, Matt Odmark, Stephen Daniel Mason • Copyright © Universal Music Publishing Group, Capitol Christian Music Group

God's Doing

      When I met with my friend on October 16th I had pretty much given up my battle with food. I was not going to let my self worth be dependant on my clothes size. But I was just done. It was not worth my mental health to stress about how much I weighed or how much I was eating. I had too many other things I was stressing about already. My belly was hanging over my pants though and I did not like that.

      I had had what I thought was a recent victory - I got chocolate chips out into a bowl to eat and I did not go back to get more. I told her this and she challenged me - why did you get the chocolate chips? "I wanted dessert." Were you hungry? "No...."

     She asked me a lot of challenging questions, and gave me tools, including Scripture. She also challenged me to not eat until I was hungry. It really seemed like a crazy concept to me. To sit at the table and NOT EAT while my husband and daughter were eating. I had had oodles of noodles at lunch at 12:30, and then around 3:30 at her house I had coffee with some sugar and half and half. So, I sat at dinner and did not eat. I explained that I was not hungry. I never did get hungry that night.

She had reminded me that, "If we confess our sins he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9). I had been living in gluttony. That night I confessed my sins of overeating to God. I confessed that I had worshipped food, and turned to it when I needed to have turned to Him. I asked God to forgive me in Jesus name, and purify me from all unrighteousness.

     I was not hungry in the morning. At that point I realized that because of the medication I am taking I was not going to get hunger pains. But, I COULD tell that my body felt empty (which it had not felt in a looong time). So I did eat breakfast, looking freshly at the food on my plate in view of my stomach's condition.

     My friend had also shared with me, 'Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit', says the Lord Almighty" (Zechariah 4:6). She gave me a piece of paper with faces on it representing all different sorts of emotions and suggested I put it up somewhere and look at it to see what emotions I would feel when going to eat (at a time different from a meal). I put it on the inside of a cabinet door that held a 2 pound bag of chocolate chips.

     A week went by and I did not binge. I had takeout food the following weekend in company of friends and ate more than I needed. I was not at all paying attention to how my stomach felt. So, the next morning when we went to Waffle House for chocolate chip pancakes for my daughter I had no desire at all to eat anything, and my stomach was still full. So, I just got some orange juice. And, I did not run out of energy and little by little my stomach started to feel confortable again. I don't remember what we had for lunch, but for dinner I got something just right for the amount of space I figured I had in my stomach. And, it was exactly what I wanted and I was very satisfied.

     I had lost normal enjoyment of eating food when I ate regardless of the condition of my stomach. Food tastes better when you are eating it for its intended purposes of nourishing and providing energy for your body.

     I had a delicious church dinner and one dessert with it and was content. Then I mistakenly took another dessert and was in process of eating it when I realized my error. I promptly stopped eating it and threw it in the trash, which was definitely NOT something in my former food behaviors. It felt very freeing.

     I have on occasion still eaten a bit more than needed, and have eaten some of the chocolate chips. But as I was taking a shower the other evening for some reason I envisioned a large bowl of icecream. For me 5 scoops with sprinkles and chocolate syrup and whip cream would have been my total limit for one evening, often eaten in two stints. As I envisioned it in its massiveness it held no appeal for me. If fact it grossed me out to think of stuffing my stomach with all of that. Wow.

God has given me a gift. When I reached the end of my efforts and had decided to give up, He did it in His faithfulness, by His Spirit. Even as He was in process of doing this, I was confused about other issues, and feeling like I needed to SEE that He was active and real. His power was right under my nose, but I was so busy I had not taken time to consider what He had been doing in my life.

     God's timing is amazing. My mental health was beginning to deteriorate during this time because I was busier than I ever need to be. In the past I would have just binged more, and then felt disgusted with myself on top of being highly stressed and emotionally unstable. God didn't allow me to do this this time - to try to numb myself with food. Thus my emotions were seeping out from undercover and forcing me to pay attention to them. Praise be to God that I could listen to my emotions and start asking for help. I still have not fully grasped what God has done and is doing. I am still in process of trying to slow down so that I can experience life more fully rather than just existing and surviving.

Glimpses of Heaven

I am so blessed yet there are so many days I do not know it. So blessed. I just finished watching "The Color Purple" for the first time. Wow. To have people that you love that love you, that is the 2nd greatest gift in the world, other than Jesus dying on the cross and rising again to save us. People that love us for who we really are, sin, wrinkles, yucky looking feet and all. This is what brings life and joy to our days. Oh I can get caught up in so many things that do not matter at all. Who cares if I weigh 10 pounds more than I want to weigh? Life is short. Children grow up fast. Health is a blessed gift as well that does not last forever. We are not guaranteed tomorrow, yesterday is gone, and all we have is today. Why waste that time lamenting what I am not, or what I do not have? Why waste that time worrying about things that likely may never happen, when my worrying would not make things better anyway??
   I get to go on a vacation with my family to somewhere beautiful and stay there for free. Family members feed us and enjoy our company.
  There have been plenty of times I have begrudged my housework, and fantasized about having a day completely to myself. I am SO blessed to be able to stay home and care for our daughter and our house. I am blessed to have pots to wash because it means I got to eat. It means there are people that I love that love me and enjoy being around me.
   Last Thursday I started waking up early again and I feared the worst - that what happened to me this past fall was going to happen again. I started having some worries. I got scared.
   But I made a choice. I will choose faith over fear. God offers me that choice. In the past I have made the choice for fear and let it take over my life. Choosing faith is hard because it involves a retraining of my brain. It is hardest in the morning. But I believe I always have the choice. God offers me another way of living. He will carry it all for me, but I have to offer it to him- all my fears and worries. He wants to carry it for me. He does not want me to suffer like I did last fall, when my trust was in our bank account rather than my Heavenly Father. Checks may bounce but prayers to Jesus do not.

Fear

God is good. Fear is not of God. Things have been going well for a while. This is my first summer in three of not going completely off of mental health medications. Yes, this summer is much better than the last two, and I am sure my husband and daughter would agree. I am learning a lot. Want to know a precious gem? If you cannot love yourself for how God made you now, you will never love yourself. Not sure if that is clear. Basically, you have to love yourself right now where you are. Because if it is dependant on how much you weigh, how much you have accomplished, how many kids you have, what your husband thinks of you, whether or not you have a husband, what degrees come behind your name, etc., you will never truly love yourself for who you are.
  I am learning that what you believe about yourself can have a HUGE impact on all of the rest of your life. I am going to seek for truths about who I am and how valuable I am from the Bible - what God says about me.
   Okay back to the fear part. As I said, things have been going well. For those not aware of past posts, this past fall was the worst I have ever felt in my life. And although things have been going decently, there has been a small part of me that has been concerned about this fall. Fearing - what if it happens again?  What if the bottom just drops out of my life again? I have had 7 months of sound mind and emotions. It is easy to take it for granted for most of us. What if it happens again?
   I was in a group where people were talking about fear and the power that it can have if we let it. We can let our lives be completely ruled by fear. At some point I realized that although this past fall was horrific for me and I could not feel God near at all, looking back I believe He was carrying me. There is nowhere I can go where He will not be. If you have any doubts, check Psalm 139.

Confession. . .

      I am a compulsive overeater. I had no idea how much room food, food acquisition and food consumption were taking up in my brain. But I had gotten to the point of being disgusted with myself for the umpteenth time. I am tired of living the way I have been living. I wrote in an earlier post about "living a lie".  I squashed down my feelings for the majority of my 37 year life thus far.  Well, my primary tool in doing that was food. I used food to numb myself from the feelings I was trying to avoid feeling. My weight has been on a pendulum I would say since finishing college. I don't want to dwell on the negative however.
     There is good on the horizon. Though I am unable to stop myself from eating certain foods once I start (usually until I am disgustingly stuffed and/or sick feeling and/or embarrassed if in public), I do not have to take that first bite. I can choose to abstain from certain foods.  I want to live differently. I would like my life to revolve around God and not food. He IS good and He IS faithful.

My Anchor

    Summer is quickly approaching and with it impending transition. There will be much less time to myself as well as little established structure to the days.  Already social/church activities have ended and I had a taste of unstructured time earlier this week.  I found myself freaking out a bit because I was not sure what to do in the time I DID have to myself. Then Margaret and I spent too much time in the house because I had not planned things for us to do. I know my peace of mind should not be dependent on social interactions and planned activities, and yet I felt that I was floundering. I found the following Scripture which I then meditated on for a good bit of time, "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. (Hebrews 6:19)"
    All around me is constantly changing, and even with things I think I can depend on, I am deluded. Happiness will come and go, yet I can have peace in my soul if I anchor myself in Christ. I don't know about you, but when I am in pain, or unsettled, or simply not at peace I first look for things I think will make me feel better.  I keep thinking I am going to find those things at the bottom of a Ben and Jerry's carton.  What I do find there is disappointment in myself as well as frustration at my lack of self-control. Satan would like to use these times for me to beat up on myself. Yet I will choose instead to know that I am a work in progress and God will use these struggles ultimately to draw me closer to Him. I have had seasons in which I feel like I WAS dependent on God and His provision rather than looking for it elsewhere.  And then, I did not feel the need to eat to fill myself with food even when my stomach is satiated.
   Today at church I got to sing from the front with a friend who was leading part of the musical worship time. I did not know until today what songs we would be singing. Part of a song came to mind as I was trying to move the piano, and then I realized it was part of the song we would be singing. It was, "my anchor holds within the veil". It was from the song "Cornerstone". I had been meditating on scripture during the week that was likely part of what inspired the song I helped sing today.
   God IS providing what I need, and He did so this past week. I didn't know ahead of time how He would do it, and that is hard. It is hard to put all your trust in someone you cannot see, and often cannot hear either. I could plan for my daughter to go to a camp every week of the summer (our budget would not like that), but then I would miss out on the creative ways in which God will provide for my and my daughter's needs. I have to give God the space and time and opportunity to be at work in my life.