This spring God closed a door for me. Or, rather, He challenged me, and grew me, and then gave me the wisdom and the opportunity to shut the door. But, I am stubborn, and honestly for a long time I really thought I needed a profession to be worthwhile. Anyhow, I decided, with counsel from God, my wise husband, my sister, and other wise people in my life, to shut the door on music therapy and instead receive a Bachelor of Arts in Music (I was originally seeking a Bachelor in Music in Music Therapy). As you can likely imagine, it was a very very difficult decision to make. Even when I knew within the deepest part of my spirit the wise choice, actually making the physical call (well, text message) was very difficult to do.
But, I did it, and have experienced so much freedom and growth. It is as if a weight has been not just lifted, but propelled off of me. I had been seeking therapeutic professions for so long (basically since I declared my Psychology major in college - 15 years). Some parts of it I was good it, but much not, and it drained me. I thought the Holy Spirit had been guiding me towards it, but I had no idea how to seek God's will and listen when I started out on the pursuit.
So, the door closed and immediately I started brainstorming other professions or jobs I could do, planning, reading "The Call", ordered "What color is your parachute" workbook, etc. But at some point the Holy Spirit within me helped me to realize that above all, I wanted to listen to God. I had wanted to have regular morning time with God for a long time, but even before my daughter was born (2010) I just had not done it.
So, I decided to put God first. I realized that to keep trying for morning time with God and failing was an exercise in insanity (to keep trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results). I started reading my e-mail devotional every day. During Margaret's nap I would seek Jesus first, then do other stuff. This is very different from my previous approach to naptime, which was all about ME ME ME. It is amazing what happens when you prioritize what is most important to you in life.
So many times this devotional has been exactly what I needed to hear, frequently bringing me to the point of tears. God was moving. I was growing closer to God. Then Margaret gave up naps and I was completely off of happy pills in the same week. And, I turned into a bear. It is true, claws and all (at least for a few days). I tell you Satan made the most he possibly could of that opportunity.
We adapted, Margaret has quiet time whether or not she takes a nap, and I seek Jesus in whatever form or fashion appeals to me for the day for the first part of her quiet time. It is still very challenging to have 11 or so hours of constant stimulation, but I know I need to trust God.
Well, yesterday was exactly 2 weeks after I have been completely free of happy pills. I tell you I am learning a lot. I can also say that doubts were creeping in and I was starting to have some fear and worries. Just as I was recognizing my own self-focus and how it has affected my family, especially my husband, I felt myself starting to turn inward again with a lot of inner dialogue regarding 'how I was doing'. I asked my husband to pray for me.
The title for today was "When I Fall Down" with the following Scripture, "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, ‘He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.’ "(Psalm 91:1-2, NIV)
It talks about a child learning to walk and what is involved in taking that first step. And then there was this, "Have you ever felt like you have taken the step God wanted you to take only to find yourself dangling in thin air with no safety net in sight? I have. I don't like it. I want to know what is just ahead and see what is around the next corner of life. It frightens me to take risks. I wonder if God will really be there and come through for me the way He says He will in the Bible. Can I really do what God is asking me to do? Will He be pleased by my seemingly insignificant step of faith? And what happens if I fall? Falling is painful and something I try to avoid whenever possible".
I have been learning a lot in the last few weeks, and much about my own sin. It has not been pretty, and also I am having a lot of emotions welling up related mostly to my Dad and my best friend dying last year. My Haitian Mom "Sister Carmelle" and my good friend Helen Deese died last year as well. I think maybe I could not process all of these deaths in the time that I had.
Reading this devotional helped me to see that I do not need to panic. There are growing pains involved in any changes. My happy pills I think kind of numbed me out. But I need to give God the chance to meet me in my fears and worries. But, for ME, if I do not give God that chance, I will never know what He can teach me, and the growth that He can foster within me during this season.
I have to be willing to trust in order to learn, not to just run back to my own inadequate coping strategies the instant fear and worry rear their ugly heads. Oh Lord give me courage. I trust you.
