Surprised by Mercy

Apparently I have been being very hard on myself. My counselor pointed out that my choice of words - "lies" etc. - are very intense and may not be the most appropriate words to describe things.  She said that really I have had trouble speaking up for my needs, and that now I am learning how to be aware of my needs and be assertive in asking for the things that I need.
   I also thought, mistakenly, that I could go from being not honest all of the time to being completely honest all of the time.  Black and white thinking there. And, not humanly possible, nor healthy or helpful for those at whom my 'honesty' would be directed.
  I think honestly in love may be what I want to strive for. We ALL need to give ourselves mercy first, and then we can give it to each other. However I am wondering if the only way to be able to give ourselves mercy is when we accept the mercy of Jesus Christ.  I think we have to accept the mercy he freely gave and gives us in His death on the cross for us, in order for us to STOP PUTTING OURSELVES UP ON THAT CROSS. Jesus already did that, and He is NO LONGER hanging up on that cross.  Stop putting yourself up there!!! (I am saying this to me and you)

  "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith who, for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God". Hebrews 12:2

Sometimes the only way out is through the flames

I learned this through a children's movie that I watched with my daughter for the first time today. It is called, "The Fox and the Hound". There is a part where two foxes are trapped in a hollow log. The hunter has set fire to one end of it and is waiting with his hound on the other end with a gun pointed at the hole. It seems all is lost . . . but then the two foxes race out of the end that is on fire.  Sometimes the only way out is through the flames.  You wish there were an easier way. But there isn't. For me I am allowing myself to have emotions/will/desires for the first time in about 3 decades. This all started on May 20th, per my counselor's suggestion that I take notice of my feelings without judging them. 
  It has been very challenging, with today being probably my most challenging day thus far. There is no day that I have had without emotions since May 20th. They (the emotions) are exhilarating, painful, freeing, tormenting.....real.  I would like to take a break from them.  However I will not go back to stuffing them down.  That promoted all sorts of yuck within me and around me.
  Who knew there were so many deep emotional and moral lessons in children's movies? 
My daughter and I watched Cinderella this morning.  That was really difficult.  The stepmother is abusive and treats Cinderella as if she was subhuman. Even the cat is determined to keep Cinderella locked away from her potential dream come true. I was about ready to throw my shoe at the tv. I thought I would be giving myself and my daughter a break by us watching movies. Not so.
  However afterwards God reminded me of a truth that I had heard before.  He (God) wants to give us a banquet when we are all too content to sneak trash out of the dumpster.  I don't remember where I heard this originally.  It is soooo true.
   He so desires to give us abundant life now. So don't wait for heaven.  His kingdom is coming upon this earth now as I write.  Step up to the banquet.

My Mother always took the chipped plate

My Mother always took the chipped plate.  She bought us brand new brand name clothes, while hers were old and drab. Her housecoat was coming apart, her nightgown had holes all through it.  her houseshoes were coming apart.  I could not see the condition of her heart, but I could see her clothes.
   She endured a lifetime of emotional abuse from her Mother, Mattie Varena McGalliard Hood.  I have NO idea of what my maternal grandmother (who I called Grandma Hood) endured.  My Mom's Dad died before I was born.
   My Mom did not know her precious worth.  She never told me that.  She lived it.  And by the way she lived, and what she put up with from my Dad, her MOther, other people, and sadly enough, me, I did not know my precious worth.
   My Dad ruled our household with an iron will.  He was what is now called "authoritarian".  He did what he knew, because that was how his Mom ruled their household of 5 children with his Dad out on the riverboat as a captain for up to 6 months at a time.  In 2004 (my Mom died in 2003, 6 weeks after John and I got married) I started writing a book to promote my own healing.   I wrote 21 pages (no ending) and thought I was done - I had gotten it out.  I have since learned there is a reason insurance will not reimburse you for being YOUR OWN psychotherapist.  It doesn't work.  Go figure. Anyway, I am including in here an excerpt from a conversation I had with my Dad because it is very revealing (so, 2004, married, no kids).

Late one recent Saturday night I had a conversation with my Dad about this book on which I was working. I had not intended on having this specific conversation, nor could I have ever guessed that I would have it with my Dad. I told Dad I was wanting to write a book about what God had been revealing to me. I said, "It's hard because….". I paused and tried one or two more times. I said, "It is hard because in order for people to understand how God has freed me from myself I have to start at the beginning. I must tell from where I have come, and why I needed freeing. I do not want to hurt anyone along the way. But, in order to speak the truth I must tell the good and the bad."

I then spoke of the good things in our family - how I always felt loved. I believe love is one of the most precious gifts you can give a child. I knew that they had planned for me and wanted me. They did not ground me if I got certain grades on my report card. If I had tried my best that was all that mattered.

As with every family, our family had its problems too. There were some things that I learned that were not so good for me. At this point my Dad said he knew what I was talking about. I was somewhat taken aback and not sure of what to say. I was of course curious if he really did know to what I was referring. And, if he did, I wondered how. However, I also wanted to tell my piece - not to be denied of expressing my hurt to the one who had hurt me.

      So, out of curiousity, I asked how he thought he knew about what I was talking. He said, "Well, it comes from living with a dominant female figure - what you call a matriarch." His Dad was rarely there as he was a riverboat captain. I asked, "Was it her way or the highway?" He said, "Her way was the only way." He said he didn't get over it until he was about in his mid-30's.

I said, "Well, I guess you do have an idea of what I was talking about. But, in this family that person was you." I went on to explain what I had learned that was not helpful. 

     I learned primarily from my Dad (but occasionally from my Mom) that my will and desires were not worth paying attention to.  It was worse then them not caring, it was as if my desires and will did not exist at all.  I think I used to have very strong emotions and feelings. It is fuzzy now, but I can remember bits.  I remember experiencing another instance of complete and utter powerlessness as a kid and crying because I was so mad (I was probably 7 or 8 at the time).  I was so mad and sobbing so heavily that I was having trouble breathing. I was hyperventilating from anger and frustration.  I remember my sister trying to comfort me somehow while my Dad continued to sit in his armchair in another room watching tv or something. My Mom was somewhere in the house.  I think soon after that was when I decided that I would take control. It hurt too much to have a strong will and emotions and have them denied their existence.  So I squashed them myself.

Living a lie

I have been living a lie.  I squashed my heart/self into a tiny little prison with little room for air. And I. will. not. do. it. anymore. I have been working on a song that expresses things. I will put the lyrics thus far below.  I am clear on the chords for the chorus and one verse, but that is it*. However, I feel the need to put it "out there" to share now.
   If you have negative feedback for me or your own advice, please express it/deal with it elsewhere.  God is working on me, and I am in counseling that is more than worth the physical cost. I need to get things out. I am trying to be honest with myself, God, my family, and friends for the first time in my life. 
  I have heard people in recovery talk of their new birthday as when things changed and they were able to leave behind junk of the past. For me I consider that new birthday to be May 20, 2014. You won't find it on any certificate or any record books anywhere, but it is the day I started to allow myself to have feelings again.

No More

No more hiding, no more fears

No more swallowing down my tears

No more prison bars for me to lock myself inside. 

You never wanted that for me. I will no longer hide.

I will find out who I am and 

Who I am is good.

I will no longer be the one 

imprisoned by the 'should'.

I don't know how I got there - 

Okay that is a lie.

I couldn't see for far too long - 

that log stuck in my eye. 

Oh, I've been quick to judge I'll say

and quick to point my finger

To think I knew what's wrong with you,

and on that I would linger.

Oh I tried to save the world I did,

One person at a time.

Turns out the life that needed saving actually was mine.

Oh I tried to save the world I did,

One person at a time.

Turns out the life that needed saving actually was mine.

 I will find out who I am and

Who I am is good. 

I will no longer be the one 

imprisoned by the 'should'.

And I have played the doormat most willingly for all. 

When you've squashed your true desires and hopes your needs are very small

I don't mind if you step on me - am I not here for that?

Couldn't tell you if it hurt me though, no feelings in a mat.

Oh I tried to save the world I did,

One person at a time.

Turns out the life that needed saving actually was mine.

Oh I tried to save the world I did,

One person at a time.

Turns out the life that needed saving actually was mine.

 I will find out who I am and

Who I am is good. 

I will no longer be the one 

imprisoned by the 'should'. 

Oh, yes I was squashed down inside,

imprisoned by myself.

Didn't know I needed helping - 

Never would have asked for help.

(Part of final verse)

No apology for being me

God made me wondrously

No guilt to beat me on the head 

and pin my heart inside.

Oh yes God made me fearfully 

I will.no.longer.hide.

*Okay, I did a garage band recording during my daughter's 'quiet time' but now I can't figure out how to insert it. I may have to record a video. I was trying to avoid doing that.  I will try for tonight.