Seeking. . .

I am listening to a froggy chorus outside our sunroom windows. I have no windows open, they are just that loud (the pump to the pool is currently broken so our pool resembles a pond right now). I am trying to prepare for two classes this week as well as finish planning my daughter's birthday party. This is in addition to the usual work involved in running a household. And it occurred to me - 6 months ago I couldn't have done this. At that time surviving through the day was very challenging. I did not try to kill myself, but I did think things would be easier if I was just dead. Wow.
   So, this in itself is amazing. However unfortunately I seem to have drifted away from depending on God. Not that I could directly when I was sick - I eventually felt so bad that my faith was hindered and everything seemed dark and I had trouble believing. But at some point after coming out of the darkness I came to recognize that God had not gone away, even though I had not been able to feel Him.
   I have been spending some time reading the Bible and answering questions for a financial class ("Compass", formerly "Crown Financial Ministries"), yet ironically I do not feel that I have been connecting directly with God.
   For Lent I gave up sweets, which in the past has been a very worthwhile spiritual discipline for me. This time however, it totally backfired.  What I gave up in sweets I more than made up in chips and goldfish and whatever else I decided to gorge myself on (resulting in me gaining about 5 pounds over Lent - ha!). It was discouraging. It did eventually point me toward God though, because I realized I couldn't do it on my own - this whole 'self-control' and avoiding gluttony thing. It brought me to my knees and I beseeched God for help. I was better for a little bit and then I have gotten back into old habits (especially as Easter candy specials were available). Argh.
   I miss feeling close to God. Even though one of my courses is a Bible study as well as a financial course I have not been really studying Scripture. I read it to answer questions in my workbook. I would like to have hunger again to read the Word. I would like to go to seek God in a quiet spot knowing that I will find Him. . . . .
   Well I just did that - amidst the froggy chorus. I will have to be truly seeking Him more often if I want to find Him.