I have felt that my faith has been under attack lately. Our pastor said that that is when we tend to seek substitutes for God. I have definitely seen that within myself (distraction, food, sleep). I know that faith is not all about emotions and how you "feel". However I just still had not recently been able to feel God near. But I did realize that I had been thinking a lot about how I was feeling and not about how faithful God is.
I have not thought of myself as a complainer, but in life I have often found myself wanting the lives of other people. Or, wishing I had their friendships, or confidence, or whatever. I am not frequently coveting their physical things, it is other dimensions of their lives. One of the Ten Commandments instructs us not to covet anything that belongs to our neighbor. I think I can see why. But this morning when I was driving by myself I was thinking about my life. In being really honest with myself, I wondered if someone who did not know Christ would see Him in my life? I really do not think that I have been living in the abundant life that He wants to give us. Jesus said, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full" (John 10:10).
In Philippians chapter 4 Paul says, "12 I
know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I
have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation,
whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength".
I have struggled with anxiety and depression in this life and they are very real. I believe I do have some challenged neurotransmitters (or receivers), but there are many who suffer far worse than me. But I cannot say that I have been practicing a life of contentment. And, I can definitely say that many times I try to do for myself what only God can do. I don't give him the chance - I don't even allow the possibility. We as humans cannot possible understand Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. I have read the Bible multiple times. Enough to know that God can raise dead people back to life, cast out demons, not to mention creating the whole world. And, He cares! "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life" John 3:16.
He loves us that much. It takes a risk to ask God for what we really need. But if we never do, we will never know how our lives could be different.
Why is it so hard to rest in God's provision, pray, and leave it in His hands (without taking it back and worrying over it, trying to do it ourselves)? As I have read in, "Experiencing God", He is the same God He was in the Bible, and He is still able to do all of those things that He has done for the faithful in the past.
We (really I) just have to give Him the chance. . .
Elizabeth, as someone who has struggled with depression and anxiety myself, I know how long it can feel sometimes to get out of that dark tunnel. I know how it feels, too, when it's not like a train tunnel where it's dark and then all of a sudden it's light, but it's more like a car tunnel where you gradually see a brighter light around the curve, but you're still sort of half in, half out of the tunnel. Those are the times when we're not gnashing our teeth and crying into our pillow so to speak, but when life just seems kind of "blah" and our food just tastes kind of bland. I know I've frequently hit that wall during winter time, when it's freezing cold outside (especially here in St. Louis and up in Michigan) and the gray clouds outside reflect my mood.
ReplyDeleteYou've just gone through a tremendous life transition, which is bound to cause a lot of soul searching. At the same time, you've changed the drugs in your system which, just being real, as you know is also bound to cause a little bit of wackiness emotionally. (I mean wackiness not in the sense of craziness, but in the sense of "out of whack", while your body starts to metabolize different drugs at different times, or purge itself of drugs, etc.)
It's funny how these times go. Two years ago I was pretty depressed, when Lilly was about 5 months old. I decided to read through the Bible, hoping that would help me feel closer to God. Weirdly enough, I got through the whole Bible and I still didn't feel like it "did the trick" in the sense that I didn't necessarily feel some sudden closeness with God that I hoped my act of devotion would cause. But in hindsight, I remember with fondness now those cold, dark mornings when I would leave for work an hour early and get an hour at the coffee shop by myself, reading my Bible. That time of intense seeking has turned into a precious memory in my mind, especially during this current period of time where I'm lucky to pick out matching clothes in the morning, much less have much time in the Word and in prayer.
Hang in there, Elizabeth. Like you said, God loves you. I hope this time of searching and reflecting will be a nice pause at the train station of life, before the next train comes along and picks you up and moves you along.
Love you, sis!
Becky
Thank you Becky. I did not see this until today, and wish I had seen it when you posted it. It means the world to know that you understand. I love you too sis. Elizabeth
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